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Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

0 posted 2004-05-23 08:17 PM

Yes the rhyming is a lil forced in this one and im trying to get away from it but this is how this poem hit the heart and we all know thats the best time to write especially about someone ur thinking about.Enjoy and comment if u would like!!

The Crush

I have a crush on this girl,
Which in my eyes nothing can even compare.
To me she is the world,
For her to just notice me would be fair.

This crush grows stronger every single day.
Her smile, her moves, her style
Makes my love for her go on for miles.
I’d do anything I could just to have her in my arms to make her feel that everything is okay.

Why can’t I just tell her the way I feel?
This crush could become something more, something special.
Love is such a complicated but meaningful thing,
To capture her heart I’d even buy her a fancy ring.

My crush is different than ever before,
This girl is an angel sent from above
I would do everything and more to treat her right.
So this can’t obviously be a crush no more, it has grown into LOVE!!!

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

1 posted 2004-05-23 08:32 PM

this poem is amazing,,i dont think its forced at all,,,im really inlove with it..keep it up..love and reespect

peace

I hate the world because it does'nt have a taste, i HATE the world because it does'nt have a color.!!
you cant change my mind.,..

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

2 posted 2004-05-23 09:00 PM

I thought it was really good and really sweet. Good job, I really liked it!

"If ever you think of me out of the blue, just remember it's all the kisses I've blown in the air finally catching up with you!"
*~Erin~*

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

3 posted 2004-05-24 06:36 AM

this is beautiful.....
keep up the writing... cant wait to read more of your work.... and the rhyming isnt forced..... it flows really nicely
Mel

so this is me but what do you care about that????
i am who i am. no one can change that but me, even then it will be a fight to the death

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

4 posted 2004-05-24 09:32 AM

Oh, your poem is so touching!! It's great!! Hope you someday will be that strong that you tell her about your feeling. It's so sweet!!

Rommance_Touch
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 97

5 posted 2004-05-24 06:57 PM

wow....hey, Wonderfull One.....

~~~Romance_Touch~~~
~~Not_Ended~~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

6 posted 2004-05-24 07:48 PM

I thought it was very cute!

~Alli~

loner187
Member

since 2004-03-21

Posts 106
Upstate New York

7 posted 2004-05-24 09:21 PM

This is really sweet, I'd say a tad forced but really well written over-all..I can definetly relate to this one a lot..I have a HUGE crush on this boy, just can't tell him yet...I hope you do soon!!(and me!)

What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

8 posted 2004-05-24 09:36 PM

Nice thoughts... nothing really new though.

Hate to be the only one to disagree, but I did think the rhyming was quite forced. Just try to work on that alittle.

(Also, "angel sent from above" is always rhymed with love.)

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

9 posted 2004-05-24 09:49 PM

i agree with drummerboy. i think the whole thing was forced. i'll do a little breakdown of it for you.

I have a crush on this     ,
Which in my eyes nothing can even compare.
To me she is the world,
For her to just notice me would be fair.

well this one wasn't too bad as far as flow goes. The rhyme was really forced with compare/fair. world and      was good. the whole thing was cliche though.

This crush grows stronger every single day.
Her smile, her moves, her style
Makes my love for her go on for miles.
I’d do anything I could just to have her in my arms to make her feel that everything is okay.

this whole thing was over the top on the "love" thing. you switched rhyming patterns. it doesn't work at all. the top line's syllable count was half that of the bottom.

Why can’t I just tell her the way I feel?
This crush could become something more, something special.
Love is such a complicated but meaningful thing,
To capture her heart I’d even buy her a fancy ring.

once again, rhyming change not good. the rhyming was so forced here as well. ah it almost hurts.

My crush is different than ever before,
This      is an angel sent from above
I would do everything and more to treat her right.
So this can’t obviously be a crush no more, it has grown into LOVE!!!

this last stanza was so typical of teenage thought. you changed rhyming again, not good. the whole "love" thing just kills this poem. it honestly sounds like it was written by a sixth grader.

now i know that i have been harsh, but everyone was lying to i think. thank you for sharing though, i hope my analysis helped you some. here's a tip: make your writing more abstract, what i mean is make the meaning less obvious. find some interesting ideas that no one really thinks about and relate them to everyday things. try and be consistent in rhyme as well.

-alex

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