Why is it I care? - pipTalk Forums

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Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

0 posted 2004-04-06 06:38 PM

Why is it I Care?

Why is it that I care so much,
For that one and only someone that I can never touch?
Why is that I love her so,
While visions of us being together in my mind do flow.

Why does my heart hate to be alone?
From the first day we met,
It was for her my emotions chose to be shown.
I want to be the one in her duet.

Why is it that I think about her all the time?
When I know for sure I’m not the one on her mind.
Is it so hard for her to see the inner me,
When all her hopes and dreams can become reality.

I love and care for this girl in every way,
To be with her would just make my day.
So why is it this feeling I can longer bear,
Why is that I Care?

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

1 posted 2004-04-06 07:02 PM

Try not to rhyme. This sounds way to forced. The idea is good, but the rhyme and the forced nature of the poem makes it sound bad.

Try a rewrite without rhyme, and saying what you want to say.

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

2 posted 2004-04-07 04:32 AM

The rhyming in this poem do sound forced but if it comes to you like that try spreading out the rhyme then it sounds more natural......but I still like this poem, it shows lots of emotion and I like the way it ended...keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

3 posted 2004-04-08 07:06 PM

The rhyming does sound a little forced but, hey, I do the exact same thing.

I can really relate to the idea of your poem and I think that you expressed your emotions really well. Nice Job.

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

4 posted 2004-04-11 11:54 PM

this is a veryyy great pom keeppp it up and keep in touch....greatt job ;-]

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

5 posted 2004-04-13 06:24 AM

i agree.... the rhyming does sound forced....
when writing just let the pen do all thee work and let what ever is in your head come out through the pen and onto the paper. other than that the poem is great and really really familiar for me..... keep up the wrtiing.....
peoms dont always have to rhyme.... if it does it does... if it dont it dont.....
let it flow naturally.... dont force anything or it isnt true from the heart... let your emotions flow as they are...

so this is me but what do you care about that????

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