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Dark Poetry #4

Exhaling All My Pride

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

0 posted 2004-03-02 05:33 PM

Feeling wrong,
Not feeling right,
Not feeling tonight,
Mangy life,
Angry with distraction,
Mad with satisfaction,
Roaring thunder,
Pounding with battered fists,
On my window,
Rain slips downward,
Like my bleeding heart,
Inside my pulsing body,
My dying mind,
Chattering voices,
Shattering skull,
Deteriorating,
Degenerating,
Covetous and Lustful,
Yet burning in my mind,
Its a sign,
Buzzing in my mind,
All these flies,
Feel like spies,
Invading,
Interrupting,
My head,
In my bed,
I lay and watch,
Rolling thunder,
Pounding with battered fists,
On my window,
Now your murderous fists,
Pounding on my pride,
I decide,
Yet not anymore,
I confide,
I must have lied,
I didn't look like me,
The pouring rain outside,
Exhaling all my pride.

However long the night, the dawn will break.

gpc
Junior Member

since 2003-03-01

Posts 43

1 posted 2004-03-02 05:49 PM

I liked this although I was confused by the punctuation which did not seem to fit the poem at all. I understand that its supposed to be a 'stream of consciousness' kind of thing but you do need the full stop at the end of sense units; some commas could probably be lost as well. For example,

Roaring thunder,
Pounding with battered fists,
On my window,

Might be better off as,

Roaring thunder,
Pounding with battered fists
On my window.

This keeps the sense unit isolated without losing the point of the poem and the meaning of "pounding with battered fists" is propounded by the lack of end-line punctuation.

Just a few suggestions, let me know what you think.

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

2 posted 2004-03-02 05:53 PM

Thanks for your suggestions, i kind of agree with you. But if you notice on the first "On my window" the next line "Rain slips downward" is sort of a carry on, so the line "On my window" is part of two sentances. Overall i do agree with you on the whole full-stop thing. Thanks.

However long the night, the dawn will break.

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