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Dark Poetry #4
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i digress...
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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i digress... |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
a is red, b is blue, c is yellow, d is green, f is purple, g is orange h just happy and e is colorless. numbers come in colors, too but much prefer to coat themselves with alphabet soup. 1 is o, two is y, three is c, four is g and five a th lisp in mary jane shoes. words are bombs and barrel hoops, carnival elephants and wild blue horses. the letters you wrote - sweaty cheese, hieroglyphs, caveman scribbles on sooty walls, pyrotechnics for my new year’s resolution to light up my world without you. ~fini~!!! just let it slip silently off the page |
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| © Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Interesting little poem. It sounds like the musings of someone with synaethesia(sp). Life's short. Think hard! |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear JM, Fractal is right about the synesthesia, which I think is pretty much dandy. A few more straightforward visual images early on might offer a bit of a sense of keel, though I don't think it's absolutely necessary. I might think about cutting one or two of the colors/letter pairings because my sense is that they seem to go on slightly too long. For heaven's sake leave in the "h" and the "e," though, whatever else you do. They tap into a place of serious delight, if you don't mind the oxymoron. but much prefer to coat themselves with alphabet soup might be an alternate worth thinking about, though certainly not a clear improvement. four is g and five a th lisp in mary jane shoes however does seem to be an improvement to me because it offers "lisp" with its associations of speech problems and pure Castilian accent set off against mary janes in a somewhat more surprising fashion. I think the poem ends most naturally after the line without you. The rest of the poem seems simply add on that doesn't really pull its weight. Play with this one for a week or so and add it to the packet you send out. I think it's good enough to show around, only needs a little polishing. I thought Fractal had a good catch. I'd be curious about what Moonbeam says. The work continues to come along well. Best from LA, Bob K, |
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pyre Member
since 2008-05-16
Posts 136 |
G = orange = 5 C = yellow = 3 Some kind of Algebra... and what the hell is the "s" word? This is pretty amusing... Its like holding a big square piece of glass with semi-frequent quarter sized holes in it over your head in the rain and looking up to see the sky. Don't you love Seattle? -GIS/pyre Does she pray? Am I prey? The strength of reality demands honesty and this path is in a shovel... |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I don't know about Seattle, but I sure love your comment! Very clever and witty! |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Send it out, JM. It works. Bob Kaven |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I understood this. *laughing* You should be skeered. But yep, colors and numbers always had gender and personality to me as well. I heard colors once too. But um, that was through a windowpane.  You are always a good read, but I particularly loved learning someone else's "system". (Did you arrange your crayons in the box accordingly as well? Nod. I'd get pretty annoyed when sharing my crayons and someone else couldn't understand the obvious common sense of my filing!)  Enjoyed this much. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Karen, thanks, so good to have you back again. You were missed. (Insert one of those kissy huggy thingies I can never remember the code for here.) Save that menopause manual for me, I'll be needing in another 35 or so years. Right now I'm still working on the What's Puberty All About Handbook.  So glad to see you posting again. |
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pyre Member
since 2008-05-16
Posts 136 |
Yeah, I don't actually love being in Seattle either... it kinda sucks! -pyre Does she pray? Am I prey? The strength of reality demands honesty and this path is in a shovel... |
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