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Dark Poetry #4
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A Woman's Favor
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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A Woman's Favor |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I can see The veil of confusion settles Its reality, I can see Young, a little old Intelligent, just a little bit Happy giving heart Free of distrust The brightness of the sun My sweating lips Concentrate Focus Penetrate this wall of uncertainty Do as I please I will Happiness pleasure moan comfortable bliss I'm a free man, do as I please Darling beauty The sweetest woman Gorgeous love affair She's friendly charitable quiet I do and do for you Given myself for you Build a life for you A promise too Take and hold Give I feel it deep inside Love carnal trust The strongest take In death she hurts me A sleep now and forever The teeth of Hell The pain of giving Every part taken Molten lake of fire Gift of lady lust in a love affair Burning hatered, singe my soul Still giving death health insured The lady with mechanical breath Lengthy fingers of death Pierced my soul Gushing this emotional foreplay Hurt like no one else Slave to myself Burning inside her forever The screams of me in bloodless gold -------------------- experimental, it seems to be missing something. Any suggestions? Closed will remain closed until opened. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Kenneth Craig Rogers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
i don't know if this takes away from the intention of the poem (or if you already added this and i missed it) but it could be improved i guess if you put something in sortove about how she died. ...that's all i can come up with right now, hope it helps, good job otherwise. =) - River Love hurts as bad as it feels good. |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
Actually she is supposed to have killed me,the lover. I'll make it better next time. Thanx GIS Closed will remain closed until opened. |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
lol...oops, i must not have been paying enough attention...just forget what i said, lol - River |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
lol GIS Closed will remain closed until opened. |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
greeny-i think you got a good outline here for a really fantastic poem here. but you are hiding somethinf from the readers, it is hard to say what, the death is not really hidden but it is not really in focus i dont know if you wanted that the focus or not, but i enjoyed it, but i do think it needs some work, but hey, dosent all good lit. "So what befalls the flawless? |
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Mad_Hatter Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 393Canada |
I agree with the out of focus thing, but I don't necessarily see it as a downfall to the poem. The lack of focus gives the poem a much more seperated/unique feel. |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
thanx for the compliment and the advice. Maybe I could put both theoies to use. GIS Closed will remain closed until opened. |
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