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Bete Noire
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Bete Noire |
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Obscurity Member
since 2003-12-04
Posts 153In A Melancholic Dream |
When her tears cloak the moons pale shine, And her spirit is long forgotten, When her whispers take me to the highest peaks, There I choose to stand before the bete noire of what you call god If all is lost, when shall I choose to tremble? When her beauty haunts the darkest shadows, And her voice is the winters silence, Then shall I fall upon my knees And cry for the faint hope of her last embrace I know its not very good, but It's just something that came to me, so if you have any criticism, or any comments on it I'd be very grateful to hear them, thanks. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Brett Gailey - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
So when you come before the Stupid Black/Dark/Night, since noire instead of soire is used, then such will be? The sybolism is good and the semantics strong, though the work does seem inconclusive. Something I can't quite put my finger on. It is a good poem based on word usage and imagery, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere, if you know what I mean. Perhaps, and don't take this amiss, CA would be a good forum to visit from time to time, especially if looking for strong feedback. Alicat |
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Obscurity Member
since 2003-12-04
Posts 153In A Melancholic Dream |
Ah Indeed, and I don't mind critical anaylsis at all. I shall visit there more often, just the fear of having my personal dignity torn apart is driving me not to visit that forum  Anyway... It may seem like it doesn't go anywhere, but the reason I wrote it was because I suddenly got an inspiration from this women I used to love, and thats pretty much what all my poetry is about. Its the focus of love being lost into the night, into obscurity... Though besides that, I try not to explain the poetry I write too much, because it makes me feel bad on the need to explain it. I try to allow others to see the way I do before I drown in the deep end Edit: Yes, what I've just said practically makes no sense [This message has been edited by Obscurity (12-10-2003 10:18 PM).] |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
And that's OK. Btw, they don't use lions anymore in CA....they lost too many teeth, not to mention the indigestion. The reason I wasn't sure where the poem was going was that I normally don't take a cathartic slant on things, so have no idea if the poem is personal in nature. So I usually talk about the 'speaker' in the poem instead of the writer. |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
There is a tinge of trepidation in this piece, a very hauntly beautiful write. The pain of lost love is very personal, yet very universal. Even left to all interpretation, an excellent work. TD |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
LOL, I smiled Alicat's comments, and yet? for him to critique anything in here is.... well, I think it is very rare. In all the time I've been posting, I've seen few comments from him in this forum. ok, so redundancy flows easily from my pen LOL, but I thoroughly enjoyed this write, and will look for your name again. After all, the concept of obscurity itself intrigues. |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
I myself though it was great! I love this style poetry, reminds me of the 1800's...of knights and maidens...my kind of stuff... keep it up, great lines..~enjoyed! ~ARH |
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~Willow~ New Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 9 |
What can I say that hasn't been said already? An awesome read indeed. ~willow~ |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sir, heed Ali's advice...for some wonderful critique, seek CA....it will get you all that you desire. As for posting in Open? HA! CA and Open can be held hand in hand...post there the poem for CA; post here for those who just love to see what you might write... so.... write on. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (12-10-2003 10:45 PM).] |
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Obscurity Member
since 2003-12-04
Posts 153In A Melancholic Dream |
Thankies to all who replied, I appreciate the warm thoughts. Alicat: Beta Noire == Misery |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It's lack of a central focus. That's the only weakness in an otherwise powerful poem. Though it plays as central to the poem, the god line actually leads away from the rest of the text. It's the only line that really addresses that subject. The rest is all focused on one thing, and not tied to it thematically or by imagery. That breaks the poetic envelope -- everything else inside and that line poking out. Soooo.... either that line should go, or the rest of the poem should be moved in its direction, with words that echo it in some way or build on it. That line is good, but I think it belongs in another poem. Because of that and since the rest of the poem is so strongly written, I'd vote for option #1, but either one will strengthen it. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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