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Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

0 posted 2004-01-22 06:42 PM

I sigh
because I
am losing
my last breath.

What then,
will I say
when
I am brought
to the stand,
must I
blame my
love, oh
my life.

Do
you remember?
Days ago
when
you coiled
'round my
neck
and choked
the brutal truth
from my teeth,
they set
themselves apart..

In ivory..

Clean white
pearl-like
graced upon
the
reflection
of blood
that I
spit

quiet
your eyes
blink still
life and
I
am not a color
mere
black
and
white.

Muscles
contract as
you constrict
and
when you
take my
last breath
in
sigh,
you've been drawing devils
in the
frost I
create.

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

1 posted 2004-01-22 06:58 PM

"Muscles
contract as
you constrict
and
when you
take my
last breath
in
sigh,
you've been drawing devils
in the
frost I
create."

I've held Boas, figuratively and literally...this perfectly describes both.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

2 posted 2004-01-22 07:15 PM

yes.. I hear you and...

I love this.....

Do
you remember?
Days ago
when
you coiled
'round my
neck
and choked
the brutal truth
from my teeth,
they set
themselves apart..

In ivory..

Maree

Beauty of the world which is soon to perish has two edges, one of laughter and one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
(by Virginia Woolf)

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

3 posted 2004-01-22 08:50 PM

and
when you
take my
last breath
in
sigh,
you've been drawing devils
in the
frost I
create

great description, truly awesome

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

4 posted 2004-01-23 06:36 AM

I don't usually like centered poems...but this ones turns out quite well, and I think that's mainly because of the short lines..

I think you've done well here, actually. You could afford to lose some of it to tighten it up...it could be shorter and gain more impact, but other than that...

good stuff...

K

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

5 posted 2004-01-23 06:38 AM

Love the short lines, compaction of thoughts is the name of this type of poetic game, yet the poem has lost none of its intended aim...your feelings are easily felt by the reader, images show clear through its brevity..
enjoyed this...I like your style
_______ice
><>

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

6 posted 2004-01-23 11:12 AM

Meg~

Yet another fine example of your talent and thought process...

"sit on top of the world and tell me how you feel...'cause what you feel is what I feel for you.."
~Dido~

Laoha
Member

since 2003-03-07

Posts 161
Nevada, USA

7 posted 2004-01-23 11:15 AM

Gee, this looks like a long leg.

Good to read.

steavenr
Member Elite

since 2003-11-17

Posts 4058

8 posted 2004-01-23 11:15 AM

excellent and powerful metaphor...another great read...well done.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

9 posted 2004-01-23 11:56 AM

an excellent write, Meg
set my teeth on edge

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2004-01-23 12:35 PM

a beautiful mind

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

11 posted 2004-01-23 12:38 PM

Wonderful write...much enjoyed as always.
~Hugs & Smiles, Nancy~

In the midst of winter..
I found there lives within me,
an invincible summer.

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