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Open Poetry #26
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Tonight
| Open Poetry #26 |
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Tonight |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa 
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Tonight I am tempted, constrained I resist, pull myself into me and I no longer exist but extensions of me like shadows appear and I’m a stranger again on some other tier. Like a snake sheds skin I’m layered within first one, then another, an identical twin, produced from a pearl, a stone, boulder, rock, or a hurried creation to beat the time clock. Mismatched, unaligned, the workmanship sucks, and the truth lies buried under layers of muck like brick upon brick on foundations of sand ready to crumble at the touch of a hand. Who was the builder, the dreamer, the fool, or the wise who sculptured with old rusty tools to place in the world an essence, a soul, then bar its exit with body parts, bone. Tonight I am tempted, tonight I resist, tonight I am human and no longer exist! Helen |
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| © Copyright 2003 Helen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
not bad, should go through some editings. it follows a rhyme scheme all throughout except for "to place in the world an essence, a soul, then bar its exit with body parts, bone." and other things, like take out "sucks", and give the poem more of a flow, rather than seemingly just lines of rhyme. after a few edits i think this poem will be really good. |
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Ericc Member Elite
since 2003-01-31
Posts 4178 |
Very powerful. Thanks, Eric |
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Brad Majors 
since 2001-04-03
Posts 2647Georgia |
nice  |
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ljossberir Member
since 2003-05-04
Posts 81Ny, USA |
Helen, great poem! The rhythm was excellent, and I like the rhyme scheme, every once in awhile its nice to hear a poem under tight structure that is still beautiful. -matt |
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