The 'I-miss-u'Card - pipTalk Forums

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zenny
Member

since 2002-11-24

Posts 371
Belgium

0 posted 2003-01-11 04:52 PM

time ticks slow when you are not near
it refuses to move, it weeps a tear
for it sees a drop of blood crumpling down my heart
each time you are not here, each time i draw the 'i-miss-u'card

The greatest thing u'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved
in return

*hugs* Kelly.

[This message has been edited by zenny (01-11-2003 05:29 PM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-01-11 05:05 PM

Zenny, do you encourage critiques?

zenny
Member

since 2002-11-24

Posts 371
Belgium

2 posted 2003-01-11 05:10 PM

yes i am open to critiques

The greatest thing u'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved
in return

*hugs* Kelly.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2003-01-11 05:26 PM

Then I have some general critique, mostly with punctuation, spacing, grammer...

Here is your post:

quote:
time ticks slow when you're not near
it refuses to move, it wheeps a tear
for it sees a drop of bloodth crumpling down my heart
each time you are not here, each time i drew the 'i-miss-u'card

I'm one of those irritating folk who stumble the moment I see a misspelled word [I'm a real klutz] and I WANT to get past my little foibles but I find it difficult. I note you're from Belgium? Perhaps English is your second language? If so, I would encourage you to utilize any good spell check system you might have on your computer, or if in doubt, do cross-check your spelling, before posting. Without changing any of your poem, perhaps if you reposted it [or edit it], it might come across better to the next reader, i.e.:

time ticks slow when you are not near
it refuses to move, it weeps a tear
for it sees a drop of blood crumpling down my heart
each time you are not here, each time i draw the 'i-miss-u' card

~*~

Now, if I were to change the poem at all, I might suggest that you review the word "crumpling" because I do not think it is the image you wish to portray.

And for now, those would be my suggestions. Hope they are of some help.

zenny
Member

since 2002-11-24

Posts 371
Belgium

4 posted 2003-01-11 05:33 PM

thanks for your critiques sunshine
About the spelling mistakes; yes i am from Belgium, english is my second language so excuse some mistakes i am sure i make sometimes.
And then it's midnight here, i'm going to sleep right after posting this, so that's probably an extra reason of all those mistakes

Thanks for pointing me out; i try to make as less spelling mistakes as possible, but feel free to point them when i do make them.

And the 'crumpling'word... let me get a good night sleep and i'll think about that in the morning

Thanks again for giving your opinion

The greatest thing u'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved
in return

*hugs* Kelly.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2003-01-11 05:37 PM

You're welcome! Have a good rest!

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