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| Open Poetry #23 |
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Grip |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I dreamed empty And the swirl of images Were of this day or last Jumbled in jigsaw piles That stuck to the pillows With sharp tinned legs Ripping sleep Breathe! Each gasp of air, Denied the lungs, Dripped sweat Stinging Graveled blink Turn.. find some way ache in chest Can be relieved long enough For fatigue’s shadow To creep across these eyes Blinding me again So I can dream empty One more time |
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| © Copyright 2002 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ow! Let go! Tomorrow, for you? A warm sun poem... |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
Good Poem I couldn’t find any spelling mistakes And since it had a lot of really good phrases I jumbled it up I dreamed empty images this day or last piles Jumbled in jigsaw That stuck With sharp tinned legs Ripping sleep to the pillows Denied the lungs, Breathe! Each gasp of air, Dripped sweat Stinging Graveled blink Turn.. One ache in chest find some way long enough So I can dream empty For fatigue’s shadow Can be relieved Blinding me again To creep across these eyes more time See, The phrases still stand out That’s the mark of good poetry Gloom |
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MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
Makes nightmares seem welcoming... -MVS "AS ABOVE SO BELOW" |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Sunshine: Yes please a poem of warm! Gloom... forgive me? Much much too trifling to pick on one word when I knew well your meaning.. shame on me!! Actually..I think the jumble may work better... perhaps I should send you my completed poems and let you re-order the lines so they do not sound so... so... predictable... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sometimes reality IS the nightmare... and that should have made me put my cigarette out, but didn't. sighing smoke... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Mark..at times they would be... many too many words I use of late... perhaps that adds to the empty dreams as I drain the inside when writing.. |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
No problem with the picking I don't mind when it's something real since no one is perfect, least of all myself. Feel free to send them along pgloom@hotmail.com will reach me and I will happily jumble and comment as need be. Gloom |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Ser... I will if you will witch... Gloom..I may take you up on that... and as for picking....it is second nature to me I fear... an odd sense of humor I was born with that shows itself more as I age... I am harmless..... just a pest.. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
So, that is how you spend your nights?--I mean your sleeping hours? I don't think I'd want to go back into a restless sleep like that! I'd get out of bed, do something pleasurable--or stay in bed and do something pleasurable, tehe, and then try to go back to sleep--this time to dream something of a more pleasant nature! EA |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Turn.. find some way ache in chest Can be relieved long enough For fatigue’s shadow To creep across these eyes Blinding me again So I can dream empty One more time I like the idea that the 'ache in chest' must somehow be relieved before sleep can return, dreamless. Only then, finding rest and a seeming security that there is nothing more to lose, no dreams to wake from. |
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Sandpiper Senior Member
since 2002-06-15
Posts 738land of flora and fauna |
Powerful images! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ron It sounds like one of my hotflash events *chuckle*...I wish tonight upon a star for Ron to sleep with sweet dreams.  |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Ron, This is suffocatingly painful. It is terrific, as is. It is great! Even on the first reading it felt like someone was ripping my heart out my chest. And that feeling wasn't for the character, but for me...I can so relate to this poem. This is one of those ~it seems you wrote this just for me~ poems. And, the poet doesn't even know me. It is awesomely ~real~. It is one of those instant shock poems for me as I once struggled with too much to do and no way to get it all done...and denying feelings which would come up that I didn't want to deal with, or, couldn't. Though I've no idea what the character's literal mind set is.... it doesn't matter, meaning no disrespect to you, if this is you.... don't mean to hurt your feelings. I have been here though long ago,and it always astonishes me when I come across a poem that causes this reaction.. a gasp! If you'd have put ~one~ ache in chest, instead of ~ache in chest~ As Prof. Doom suggested, I'd have thought the character was having a major heart attack.....and please don't change this until my printer is working.  (smiling) Thanks for sharing your talent, Warm Regards, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
Some just drink themselves to a dreamless sleep. Your way's probably healthier. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Criminy! I'm gonna have to return to this. (malfunction in the punkin) Ed |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Capt., I love your poetry just the way you write it. Please don't change it. "Love makes the world go around" |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
I am speechless...and that just doesn't happen! The mark of an exceptional artist...is to draw the toughest of critique... Smiled in the eye of the jealous gods of order and spelling...It is the content that spellbounds. ThisDiamond |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
God how I love the sad ones! Call me sick, I don't know...but this is beautiful! |
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Krystopher Morris Member
since 2002-11-11
Posts 130Ancient land called Chivalry |
Nice. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I stay up all night and read and write when I cannot escape from myself. Perhaps I'm an escapist. And you? |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Jumbled in jigsaw piles That stuck to the pillows With sharp tinned legs excellent lines! Cor |
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