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Behind the 8
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Behind the 8 |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
It was a clean break That pocketed the 4 ball in a side Leaving him a fair shot at the 2 If he sliced it thin. I watched, waiting my turn. The Tumbledown Was sparse at 1AM but there were a few Still drinking or shooting pool As they fought the emptiness The 2 fell clean on a corner But he scratched, My turn. The 10 was an easy cut to the side And fell softly as the cue ball Clipped it then rolled to stop Between the 12 and his 7 A bank to the corner But if not enough English I’d scratch He sipped his beer, I chalked my cue. The 12 fell, and I was lined on the 14 Followed it with a cut to the corner On the 13 and I saw his eyes begin. The 9 fell easy and I was sitting well for the 15 When he spoke. “You’ve been playing with me all night haven’t you?” resentment showing in his jaw line as he turned. “no” I answered, then added “As you said earlier, the sun shines on every dog once in a while.” turned and shot the 15 wide So it would leave him an easy shot. She’d been watching the game, And looked at me with those eyes that knew Shaking her head “We need another pitcher here.” She said. While I turned and watched him clear the table Except for the 8 Mine Again… They fell And the 8 was a long green, but straight That I tapped to one side with a halfhearted curse He looked me in the eyes before he shot And whispered, “ you ass” then smiled The 8 fell “Want to play me straight?” He asked. I laughed and shook my head. “I did.” She laughed, And asked him to dance I still don’t dance, but she does And he enjoyed the attention I racked Waiting for The Break [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (11-12-2002 03:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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S Arthur Grey Senior Member
since 2001-03-19
Posts 719woven by a poet's loom |
Cool cue |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
You write a good scene. Nice place to be, when we have nothing to prove. People just shining each other on. Just stand back and watch....if I didn't know better I might think this was a poker game. Winning is different things to different people. How refreshing this is. Liked the title, too. Warm Regards, Pat  You must have been editing and removed one line while I was answering. But, I'll leave mine in, anyway...because I like it when I have nothing to prove, though it might hint of a little arrogance only to those who've never been there. It is a safe wonderful space to be in! ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (11-12-2002 03:42 PM).] |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Vivid, excellent flavor to your words for the situation. I think you were playing him, too. So curious how it all came out. I sure enjoy reading your stuff! Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
And you did not even whisper her name. Very good. As usual. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Cpat Hair, I reckon you could have taken him and her too if you'd wanted. I liked the imagery I could hear the click of the balls, smell the beer and see the green of the table. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
S Arthur Grey: Thank you I am glad you found it interesting regards: Yes I did edit the ending...and came very close to deleting it entirely as it still does not sit well with me.. I thank you for the comment and the thoughts... VAS... thanks to you for the words... they are appreciated Sunshine: Not a whisper... not now... not again. Kethry: Glad you enjoyed... thank you for the words.... |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I'm sorry to reply again. But, I did like this a lot. I enjoy how you build characters, tho. haven't read a lot of your work. A good study for me... Simply wanted to say that the pitcher was a clue to me regarding his character (his girlfriend/wife knows him well), and had you *removed the ending (wracking the balls) his character would have changed completely from how he is pegged now. And, *at that point, his character would have gone well with the first sentence you took out, the one I referenced in my first reply, which would have made him a darn near perfect man! Thank you in advance for your patience in this comment...anything you could add to this would be very appreciated. Might not seem like a big deal to you but to me it would help teach me a lot. Thanks, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Pat: The original ending left too much of a taste of arrogance as you pointed out and it was not intended to convey that at all..but instead that comfortable with who he is and what he could or could not do..he felt there was nothing to prove. The ending as it reads now...can have a double meaning if you think of the break as either the break of the rack ( a new game) or waiting for a break in the relationship between him and her... depends on how you want to read it and what you want to take from it...as well...it adds a bit of mystery as to how it is meant...which in many cases makes things much more interesting for me personally because I am then forced as a reader to think about it. characters seem to be easy.... if you have watched other people and understand the why of what they do...or can draw in your own mind a story of why they are what they are then it is easy to write. Being concise with the character however...is a bit harder. To build the character with few words, usually a situation that implies more of the character than you say can be useful. hope this helps... if not I'd be glad to try again |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Yes, this is a big help. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I understood that re: his being comfortable with who he is, and what that meant. And, the arrogance part. What surprises me is the possibility of the double ending, for I never saw it all at. When I just looked at it again, I noticed you capitalized: 'The' along with Break, which I had NOT noticed. I can now see the possiblilties. Clever! Because I seem to be on a major learning curve, not only about writing, but self: (meaning I am changing, so it'll make a difference down stream), I'll be ever grateful for your notes about building characters. Very useful, though I've no idea what I might be writing in future, this is invaluable. And, yes, the way it is now, does add mystery to the story. And does cause one to speculate and wonder. Again, thanks so much for your time. You have helped me much. Sincerely, Pat also... I was looking for the surprises in your writing and initially wondered if it had something to do with you calling out the number of each ball and it had been so long since I've played pool, couldn't remember how high the numbers went (or, how many balls there are supposed to be) duh, (tho. I could have stopped to think and probably come up with the right answer; I didn't want to stop reading) Soon, I realized it added to the reality of the scene...I did like how you called out the time at one and the next sentence he was hitting the two ball, but, didn't know if you did that on purpose.... that was interesting... oh yes, you did that on purpose. It played my mind! Liked that. Again, thank you ever so much..couple lessons learned. ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I see a third interpretation here.  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Pat.... lesson number 1... read everything at face value first..then go back and see what is below the surface of anything you read.. that way you may find unraveling the layers in some people's writing to be easier. I write pretty simply... and without a lot of thought before or during the write, but some here can weave you many layers of thought and meaning into a verse... characters are a part of our world... writing them is a way to understand yourself and the world around you... ( just my opinion...and that and a dollar will still buy you a cup of cheap coffee in a few diners) Ser... you would... ( laughing) |
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Pip Member
since 2001-09-14
Posts 59 |
*chuckling* |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Pip... glad I could amuse you... (smiling) |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Thank you again. Though I would not say you write pretty simply. You are right up there with Sy, Wells, Balladeer, and the like, and that IS why I so appreciate your opinion which is invaluable to me. Thanks re: the reading lessons....I didn't know that... about reading thr. once..etc. Thanks for the help. Warm Regards, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
"I still don’t dance, but she does And he enjoyed the attention I racked Waiting for The Break"  (smiles) Wow!!! Oh my gosh, I could picture you and everyone in the lounge and the dust looking like doamonds in the air in the low ceiling light and your eyes shrewdly gazing upon the center of the table, I LOVE IT!!! (big huggsssssss) This is marvelous, sweet friend, how about a game of Cutthroat, this is wonderful, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Ron, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Noah... you want to play cut throat? I thought you nicer than that...seems your "bloody" side is showing! ( laughing) I'll rack you break.... but you have to promise to take it easy on me.. I don't play the game often and I' not too good at it... Eight ball call yur shot? |
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MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
By the time I reached the end of this write, I had an image of a Twilight Zone episode where the cycle starts anew with the next game and self-assured "opponent"... (This must be the longest write I've read from you, btw!) -MVS "AS ABOVE SO BELOW" |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
longest poem or longest replies? (chuckling) or both? it is a bit tedious in my mind..and I posted it, edited it, deleted it, couldn't leave it alone and edited it again, edited it again, posted it in disgust and deleted it from my hard drive.... it lacks the tightness it should have and adds detail not needed to anyone in order to get the point across.... it is a story trying to be a poem... or a poem trying to be a story.... ( laughing) so perhaps it is a Twighlight Zone episode and I am caught in it...and so is anyone that dares read it... Wordy today aren't I? I think it has to do with stress...and trying too hard to take my mind off the things I should be paying attention to.. |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
Cheaper to dance than to bank. Dance....dance. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ron Although I am not good at pool...I love watching the game, the posture, the serious fun of it. I enjoyed watching you play, here! |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
My excuse was always, "someone peed on the chalk". This is a scene I've seen. Ed |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
RS; My feet don't seem to hear what my head does when it comes to dancing and as for banking...well I'm not much better at that than I am dancing. Learned along time ago though... don't play another mans game for money..( chuckling) Martie: Glad you enjoyed... it can be fun to play, as long as no one gets too serious about it... Wranx... I have to say, I've never heard that excuse.. ( laughing) |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i can honestly say i've never read a poem about about this topic - ever. and for that, i love it. you did an amazing job creating the scene. i did feel it dragged in places, and became just a little too technical and cut and dry. ie. the numbers on the balls just seemed to keep going. but other than that, this was a truly enjoyable piece. thank you. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Enjoyed. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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