The torture that is you...

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Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

0 posted 2002-12-07 05:12 PM

Thunder rumbling in crimson skies,
Like a thousand of your lies,
Burning my skin like a giant blaze,
Leaves me blinded, in a daze,

You leave me stumbling on the ground,
Reaching out, just feeling around,
Searching for just a part of you,
Knowing then I've gotta let go of you.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2002-12-07 05:19 PM

That was an awesome poem. I really liked the 2nd line. You're good at creating pictures in the mind. You really have a lot of talent.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

2 posted 2002-12-07 05:26 PM

Thanks for the kind words. I came up with this one on the fly. About my replies, sometimes my sense of humor gets the best of me. Thanks for understanding, Stephanie.

Bryan

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2002-12-07 07:56 PM

I really liked the first and third lines, there was a lot of awesome imagery in here, great job.

What You Can't Have- You Can't Resist

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-12-07 10:12 PM

Good one!
*Allison*

xxxnuttyangelxxx
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
New York

5 posted 2002-12-08 07:42 PM

This was a very good read. The imagery was very well written. Looking foward to reading more of your poems.

-shea

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

6 posted 2002-12-08 10:20 PM

You go SOME nerve!  After writing things like this, and STILL saying I'm better at this than you!  SOME nerve!  lol.  You really have that "imagery" thing down... much better than I.  I only hope someday I can write with such ease with imagery.  WEll, 'till later!

                                                                      'Rich

"You can't hurt meee!!  'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

[This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (12-08-2002 10:21 PM).]

LTEvans
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
Lenham, England

7 posted 2002-12-09 08:10 AM

Nice work. I always enjoy reading some nice depressing poetry. Thank you.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

8 posted 2002-12-15 02:18 PM

Smoothy~
This is a nicely written piece.
Great job of conveying your message in just a few words.
Well done!
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

9 posted 2002-12-15 09:40 PM

I like this. I really do. The one thing that really bothers me is the rhyming. When I read this the first time, it felt like the rhyming was taking over the poem, and that was the main point of writing. I'm almost positive that it wasn't the main point, but that's what came across the first time. I do like what you have here, but in my opinion, what you're trying to say might come across better in free verse, since there isn't the restrictions to rhyme in free verse. Just my two cents though

Rj

"it was cute, it was like he was shy and didn't want to make it too obvious"
~ Reena
I'm Rhondiforous!

Rug_Burnt_Loser
Junior Member

since 2002-12-13

Posts 11
>>o.b.l.i.v.i.a.n<<

10 posted 2002-12-15 10:11 PM

Ooo, i like.

I think the first paragraph was better though... in the second one, it didn't seem to have the same flow that the first one did.
But I still liked it, I'm not too picky!

Take it easy!

~(_morgan_)~

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