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Teen Poetry #6
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Becoming One
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Becoming One |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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your smile mets mine across that rainy day the sky seems to watch with its cloud like eyes fufill my girlish dreams of gumdrops and candy canes with a kiss so sweet as soft as the dew morning light yet not touchs the secret folly within for my flaws are covered sercurly by the tight fears that surround me does this not sound odd talk of a gumdrop dream fly away into the crisp air of the cool summer night on the wings of a silent eagle watch my eyes as a video plays showing my life and knowing i know pain worse than you no mere cut or bruise mortal pain emotional scarring do you know why i didn't think you would so listen closely to my song on the night air flying across the sky reaching your sweet ear pain you can't know not yet anyway torture of knowing or not knowing that you might or might not love me to you cannot see the scars they have been covered badly because of colors but you can't see i shan't allow you until we are one bonded eternally one ~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~ [This message has been edited by Riley (09-22-2002 03:40 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I don't think it's a good idea to leave poetry untitled. A title is a very important element of poetry, and you should try to refrain from neglecting it quite so often. There's a lot of great imagery in this piece. It flowed really well despite the lack of any meter or rhyme scheme. All of the images are selected with excellent precision. Awesome work, Ri. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
During the first stanza I was ready to push, once again, the importance of punctuation...however...upon reflecting and reading on further, it occurred to me that the lack of punctuation really leaves it open for reader interpretation. I didn't really feel that in some of your other work however it is really apparrent in this piece. Parasite is right, there is some amazing imagery here, my favourite lines would have to be: "does this not sound odd talk of a gumdrop dream" I really like the idea of a 'gumdrop dream' the alliteration (drop-dream) paired with the imagery is fantastic. You did a really nice job of this. Congrats. Michelle. ~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~ |
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