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Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

0 posted 2002-11-15 06:45 PM

When I Saw You...

When I saw you,
I couldn't stop thinking about us becoming a pair.
When I saw you,
I felt a special need to care.

When I saw you,
It's like nobody else is around.
When I saw you,
My heart it began to pound.

When I saw you,
I got lost in a trance.
When I saw you,
I said why can't you just give me a chance.

When I saw you,
I knew I wouldn't let harm come your way.
When I saw you,
You seemed to take my breath away.

When I saw you,
At that last dance.
When I saw you,
I came to realize that it was with you I want true romance.

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

1 posted 2002-11-15 07:34 PM

I am not a rhyming poet so others that are may come in and contradict me, but it would be better if the line lengths were slightly more uniform. And the rhymes were almost painfully forced.

Casey

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-11-16 10:14 AM

Eh...I don't know if I liked the repeating of When I Saw You...in my opion ( sp ) it kinda took away from the poem having it repeated every other line. Maybe like every three or four lines would work but um....I dunno. Maybe work on this and revise it a little and you can make the lines even out with the rhyming and all. Well anyways thanks for the read.

Riley

~*I found how to laugh, forgot how to smile, somehow your words, make it all worthwhile*~

boy and his spirit
Junior Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 41
within my heart

3 posted 2002-11-17 12:19 PM

I dont really enjoy the title... it was too obvious. but the rest was okay. if you like it like that.

Peach
Junior Member

since 2002-11-17

Posts 33

4 posted 2002-11-17 04:56 PM

I agree that the rhyming seemed forced, but the message of the poem was great. I really enjoyed it and could relate to it. Good job!

If don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

5 posted 2004-01-20 11:07 PM

Eh..i didnt really..No, i am just kidding. I loved this one too. Imagine taht!lol It was sweet, and romantic. I think that you should give this to whoever you wrote it about! But make sure she is sitting down, dont want her falling and hurting herself! lol cant wait to hear more!
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

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