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breathe
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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breathe |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Inhale I live each day just counting my breath Exhale It’s easier to forget that way Inhale I try to keep it steady Exhale There’s no other way to control Inhale But sometimes my mind wanders Exhale And I forget that I need to Breathe Inhale Until my body reminds me otherwise Exhale And I return to counting my breath Inhale Just waiting for… Exhale [This message has been edited by LCBS (09-20-2002 02:27 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lisa Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I think this is an interesting idea for a poem. I would have made the lines accompanying "inhale" and "exhale" have a bit more to do with them, however. Perhaps in the lines following "inhale," you could have a common theme, and those following "exhale" could also have something similar. For example, "inhale" could precede those lines which propose some kind of concern or problem, and "exhale" as a response to those... I don't know... just a thought on the structure of it. It stands very well though. Reminds me of when I used to listen to a lot of Prodigy, back when the world like, totally didn't understand me.  Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
Wow, this is really amazing. It's simple in form yet complex in ideas and imagery. There are a lot of emotions here. I really like the 'Inhale' and 'Exhale' before every line with the 'Breath' break in the middle. The end was left quite open which personally I like, open endings let you think for a while, as long as they're not too open making you wonder if the poet just ran out of ideas or if the keys stuck and they just suddenly stopped writing... No, the open ending and simplicity in form works really nicely here. ~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~ |
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