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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2002-09-20 11:34 AM

Fit together like a Puzzle piece

jagged edges smoothly slinding
into the appropriate slots

Dancing in the rain is good for your soul

jump rope with a hullahoop
splashing water all over your shoes

The weird way we fit together
you follow me as I play in the rain
try to drag me to California
and soak me in the biggest puddle on the blacktop

Observation time is limited
the sun is reappearing
time to go inside

Business men in suits emerge
from their houses,
nice and dry
as we drip down the street
fitting together like a soggy puzzle piece.

TITLE SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!!

"You're the center of adrenaline And I'm beginning to understand You could be the best thing about me." -SG

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-09-20 02:21 PM

I don't blame you for seeking title suggestions. Titling with the last few words of a poem is such a last resort.

Overall I think this poem is very sweet... I like how you used the word "appropriate," as opposed to something like "desired" or "best." Makes it sound much more universal.

I think this needs a long title. It's one of those poems that a long title leads nicely into. Just summarize it in as few words as you can, or describe the state of mind in which you wrote it. That should suffice.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2002-09-20 11:50 PM

hey hey Allysa.

Overall it was fairly well written. Not too short but not too long. However I feel that there is something missing from it. There is an unspoken element that needs to be slotted in somewhere to boost it up just a little.

Now a title...oh man. Titles are deinitely not my strong point. Take Brians suggestion and do that.

~AF~

"No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words

LadyDracaWolf
Member

since 2002-09-19

Posts 73
CA

3 posted 2002-09-23 10:26 AM

This poem made me think about life. Life at times can be like a puzzle. Pieces can fit together at times, but when you're almost done with a 1000 piece puzzle, you find out that it only has 999 pieces. Something is missing. But when you find that last piece, you would've had such a great adventure finding it that your life will be complete.

Death is not extinguishing the light;
it is putting out the lamp
because the dawn has come.

Rabindranath Tagore
Poet, Philosopher, Nobel Laurea

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