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anawnda
Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 113

0 posted 2002-10-29 04:33 AM

  you are that grey cloud
  that fools me into
  thinking it might rain today.

  so here I am again
  with my black umbrella
  eagerly awaiting your downpour

  but it turned out to be
     broken

       pieces

            of

               me
  that are  f
             a
              l
                l
                  i
                    n
                     g
                  d
                    o
                     w
                       n

             heading for
                 the gutter.

SailorFirebird
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 16
15 Miles North of NoWhere

1 posted 2002-10-29 09:40 AM

i like it. i love the E.E. Cummings, thing. it adds your personal touch. wonderful read.

foreverwithyou
Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 204
Wonderland

2 posted 2002-10-29 10:24 PM

this was good i liked the whole thing about rain and stuff good write

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-30 12:53 PM

This is awesome.  Simply awesome.  I love the mention of the black umbrella, it really helped the poem to become visual.

My favourite aspect of this piece is the way the descriptions are kept physical, and (while they are analogies) are described with a cold, observational tone.  I like the twist that you tossed into the middle... and the way you neglect to describe your own emotional response, but rather alter the writing so that it seems to trail downwards.

This is very well written.  A true success, Anawnda.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2002-10-30 01:44 PM

*applauds*

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

5 posted 2002-10-30 07:10 PM

i especially loved the first stanza.

you did a marvelous job on this piece. once again i am quite pleased. i do applaud you.

however it does seem that most people are trailing the words 'falling' and 'down' and whatnot down the page lately.

::shrugs::

just a thought.

oh, and to the person with the cummings comment. cummings work wasn't as simplistic as this style. it was very different.

you should really brush up on some of his work. you'll be glad you did.

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

6 posted 2002-10-30 09:21 PM

This was awesome! I loved it. Yes. Great work.

"They say you need to pray if you wanna go to heaven. They never tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell."-Brand New

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

7 posted 2002-10-30 10:51 PM

the last sentence has to be my favourite..
your flow of words were marvelous!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

8 posted 2002-11-05 02:38 PM

anawnda~
This is extremely well written.
The imagery is great and I really enjoyed reading this.
Nicely done.
~Vicky

P.S. Don't forget to check out Teen Challenge #2!
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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