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PoeticGoddessOfDepression
Member

since 2002-07-02

Posts 439
I am everywhere

0 posted 2002-10-21 08:01 PM

He walked alone to the bus.
When he boarded
He stared out the window,
Never took his eyes off the glare.
It's still dark at 7 in the morning in autumn.
It's still cold at 7 in the morning in autumn.
It was still hurting him, and without ease...

He walked the steps down.
When he left
He stared at his walking feet.
He didn't even know where he was going.
It's getting brighter as the day goes on.
It's warming slowly as the day goes on.
His pain was growing as the day went on...

Did you realize the pain would have gone away?

"Sometimes, somethings turn into dumb things, and that's when you put your foot down."

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

1 posted 2002-10-21 10:09 PM

another masterpiece my friend
i cant believe u cant find in ur shadow
but i really like this one
good write (i saw ppl put that so i figured that if it was good u should put that, i guess idk i am confusin myself)
anywyaz back to the point
this was really good
post some more

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-22 09:52 AM

I did like this quite a bit, Sara... but I have to admit the last line was worded a bit oddly.  You might want to make it a bit shorter, and a bit more clear, so that the impact isn't harmed by it being too wordy.

I really like what you did with the repetitions in this poem, it really sounded neat.  A great write.

Does your title mean "untitled?"  Heh... I think this deserves a title.  Give it a bit more time.

See you around, Sara.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

3 posted 2002-10-22 01:06 PM

I have to say, I found the first stanza to be the most powerful, the imagery was just so lonely, it really struck me.

I have to agree, the reptition in this really added a lot to the piece, emphasizing the emotion even more fully.

However, the last line seemed a little awkward, I don't know if it was because you shifted from third to second person or what it was.

Overall, a nice piece of work though

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-10-22 04:51 PM

I love this one. I kinda have a different opinion than eveyone else. I hope i don`t get into trouble for saying it. I think the last line was kinda kool. It took a step out of the poem and was looking in on it (kinda sorta if you get what i mean) lol. "Keep em comin" as a wise poet once said to me. lol.
*Allison*

foreverwithyou
Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 204
Wonderland

5 posted 2002-10-22 08:16 PM

Hey I thought that this one was awesome!I liked the lines that repeated themselves but in a different way that was kewl.

PoeticGoddessOfDepression
Member

since 2002-07-02

Posts 439
I am everywhere

6 posted 2002-10-22 08:29 PM

Okay...
I do, now, realize that the last line was a bit strange.
But this poem was about suicide,
and the last line stated that.
(but in an abstract way)
and I do also realize that it is in a different perspective.
Which, I will admit, is quite stupid of me.
I would go in and fix it, but because it's been over twenty-four hours, it won't let me, but..
we all make mistakes.

But anyway-now that I've tried to clear that up,
I'd just like to thank you all for your replies.
It means more than you know to me.
And a lot of people have mentioned (not only for this poem, but in other) that they like the way I repeat things.. and I have a tendency to do that. I think it holds everything together, somehow.
But thank you all.
(allison- thankee for the little favor you're gonna do for me tomorrow. You're sooooo cool!)

Leaving(a strange adn eerie feeling),
Sara

"All are unnecessary evils of a dying republic. We must write these wrongs"
~Otep

[This message has been edited by PoeticGoddessOfDepression (10-22-2002 08:31 PM).]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

7 posted 2002-10-23 08:19 AM

Awesome, and I agree, I like the repeating line thing.......it does hold the whole thing together some way or another....Great right
Riley

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

8 posted 2002-10-23 10:48 AM

i can totally feel this.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

9 posted 2002-10-23 01:15 PM

NO NO NO NO you don't change it! It'd be evil to change it. You meant it to be that way and to let you know: I knew EXACTLY what you meant by the last line. I saw it, felt it, and absorbed it completely. Frankly, it was the last line that made the poem achieve another level of liking with me. I connected with it so well.
The whole poem is brilliant, especially the ending. Well done.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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