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Elements of Training
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Elements of Training |
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BrokenAngel Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141Puryear, TN, USA 
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Yet another Parris Island edition, you can tell I loved my notebook while I was there. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Rain falls to the ground Colecting in little pools Mixed with salty sweat Thunder rolls loudly Echoing off the walls Carrying the voices of DIs Lightning streaks through the clouds Lighting up the stormy skys And the eyes of hardened recruits Dew sparkles on the grass Looking like small diamonds And cooling hot, tired faces Wind blows the trees Swaying the hanging moss And pushing a platoon farther Is this Paradise? Or hell on Earth? Both Read my work and read my thoughts |
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| © Copyright 2003 Hannah Rochelle Garner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
This was a pretty good write; very simplistic yet descriptive. However, I feel that you could have gone beyond the basic description, basic as in the word usage. For example, the first line of the first stanza reads: "Rain falls to the ground." The word "falls" is a predictable, common verb to use with rain, and so the reader begins to lose interest in the rest of the poem. The point of the first line is to catch the reader's attention with something different, but sensible. So rather than using the word "falls", try: Rain tumbles to the ground. It gives a different effect and opens up more texture to the poem. Another example is: "Wind blows the trees." Instead of "blows", you can try " Wind tilts the trees", "Wind bends the trees" or "Wind brushes past the trees". Play around with it, and don't be afraid to try something different.  The ending was all right, but the very last line made it weak. It might be better if you took out "both." That way, it opens up the ending for possibilities, and the reader can decide the fate. Not everything has to be concrete. Keep up the good writing! I look forward to more! -Leah |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Both... absolutely... Great write. We are all equal but we’re individually different |
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Maddy vanD Member
since 2003-09-06
Posts 99Newfoundland, Canada |
This is a really good write. Chasing rain's advice is good as well, but I would also caution you that sometimes the simplistic approach is the best approach. I find that sometimes when trying for a clever turn of phrase one will actually detract from the message. lol!! like everything else about poetry it is all a question of degrees...what works in one piece will destroy another, so by all means play around with your words, but don't become a slave to either the simplistic obvious words, nor to the clever ones, write from the heart. Maddy |
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