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Teen Poetry #6
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Memories
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Memories |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571
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I sit here in this attic Boxes,letters,and photographs sitting around me Dust covered memories Lifeless,still frames Eyes closed tightly Tears rushing down This memory won`t come back Lost forever in this forgotten moment Please come back to me Lost like the tide Until you rise again I will be waiting on the shore line Memories |
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| © Copyright 2002 Allison Colgrove - All Rights Reserved | |||
Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Oh wow, oh wow. That took me to a place I haven't been in a while. 'Scuse me, must dig out all the old pics  |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
Hi devine! this is a very good piece! The only thing that kinda hit me! is the "sitting" in line two! maybe something other then that, since you already used "sit" in the first line! Other then that...Awesome poem! Best Wishes, Brian. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This took me completely off guard... I really, really enjoyed this poem... maybe it's because I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Signs of Life" right now and it fits the poem perfectly. You did an extremely good job of this. This is definitely the best poem I have read from you in these forums. quote: Really, really caught me with that introduction... sets the scene very nicely. I'm with Eggy on the "sit" thing, though. Maybe find a new word? You might consider personifying the items... like... instead of sitting, say "laying dead around me," for a possible example? The scene is perfect, though... don't change it, I adore it... quote: This memory won't come back... I love that concept, of a memory being lost, but still being a memory somehow... and the fact that you acknowledge something that is beyond memory, enough to identify it as irrecoverable... it's hard to use paradox effectively in poetry but you've done it here. I can see the image so clearly, a girl sitting in the attic clutching something to her chest, a photograph, a letter, whatever it might be... I know that wasn't in the poem really, but my mind added that part on its own. You kind of implied it when you described the setting, though... Tears rushing down her face, eyes clenched tightly shut... beautiful... quote: This is the best ending I've read in a long time... you completely remove yourself from the setting and describe the future, from a distant and symbolic perspective... taking a similie, lost like the tide, and extending it into metaphor. I can't tell you how much I love this change of setting... what a strong conclusion. This is going into my library, of course... sorry to have gone on so long about it, but I really love this piece. Hope to read more like this one. You've really hit me. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
sorry bout the whole "sitting,sitting" part. I liked the idea of them "lying dead around me." maybe i`ll use that. I really appreciate the comments and i am very glad that you all liked it. I love to hear such positive fedback..especially to know that u are putting me in your library,parasite.a comment like that from you is (sorry to sound cheesy) an honor because i really like your stuff. Thanks so much. allison |
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
Gosh... I'm a little jealous. not only because you're a much better writer than me, but also because parasite is a much better 'replier' then me. (lol) I'm just like "yea, great poem... i hope to read more." and a little personal note than maybe you and I only know about- and it's not that I don't mean what i say, because I do- but it's not the same. Anyway---(and i say anyway a lot) This IS a very wondeful poem, which I enjoyed reading. I do agree with parasite that this is one of my favorites of your, though it reminds me of that scary song about daddy's big surprise. lol. "Hope to read more of you" POSTIN' LIKE A MAD MAN!! ~sara "Wish I was too dead to care... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really think that you had some profound meaning in this. Very well written. It hit me hard, and that's a good thing  I hope to see more from you soon.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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clumsy Member
since 2002-10-10
Posts 106canada. |
beautiful. |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
All i have to say is 1 word.......Wow! I really like! From your sis Chrissy |
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