the two and a half year hour glass

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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-10-11 10:33 PM

And gently against my neck
I can feel my fantasies
itching/chafing/choking.
Unbeknownst to you,
[or so at the moment it seems]
I am leaving.
I've had enough of these party
games
and sour puss shooters
and nothingness
Sundays
that melt
into Wednesday.
I've shown you
my sunshine
and the razor’s edge
while you sat there
nibbling on your everything bagel
[butter on the side].

So now the time’s up,
and still I've seen
no paper.
Your ego scribbled
hastily
on perfectly aligned,
embossed
business cards.
How long does it take You
to save me?

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-12-2002 12:06 AM).]

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

1 posted 2002-10-11 10:36 PM

As usual another masterpiece! Great job.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2002-10-11 11:04 PM

*raises an eyebrow* Interesting... veddy veddy interesting. I take it that the capitalized "You" was intentional? You are very quickly becoming one of my faves, Jen

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

3 posted 2002-10-12 12:30 PM

Interesting writing, Jen. Being saved is a matter of mind, not matter. You've gone into this and come out with some fantastic images and a strong piece. As per usual, I'm impressed with your writing.

I do like what you do with the brackets. It gives the piece a whole other meaning when you can see past them yet into them at the same time.

quote:
I've shown you
my sunshine
and the razor’s edge
while you sat there
nibbling on your everything bagel
[butter on the side].

That bit hit me hard. I can completely understand where this is coming from. You've done another wonderful job here, Jen. Well done.

~AF~

"It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality." - Virginia Woolf

Hallucination
Member

since 2001-03-18

Posts 419

4 posted 2002-10-12 01:46 AM

This is simply beautiful! touching! emotional! a perfect painted picture!

Best Wishes,

Brian.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

5 posted 2002-10-12 09:39 AM

As usual your work is extremely well written and very interesting (oh dear did I really say that? what I meant was "huh?") Anyway it's a great write and wonderful to read, thanks for sharing

Andrew

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2002-10-12 10:09 AM

Very impressive stuff here--I add you to my list of poets to look for---be patient with me tho, it's a long list.

But I DO like your style, lady!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

7 posted 2002-10-12 09:23 PM

Very nice write, /jen/. One inquiry - why is the title "the 2 1/2 year hour glass?" Why does it still say "hour" if it's not an hour glass?

I know you have a very elaborate explaination as to why you chose to word it like that.

See you soon.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

8 posted 2002-10-12 09:29 PM

well let's see.

where should i start?

an hour glass, the most commonly known name for it, how else would people identify what it is if i don't use it's proper name?

also, an hour glass traditionally measures an hour, or so i believe. unless i'm just a moron. and you know what else is an hour long?

therapy!!!

har har har.

do the math.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

9 posted 2002-10-12 09:30 PM

I apologize profusely.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

10 posted 2002-10-13 12:44 PM

no need to reply. i'm just clarifying the situation.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

11 posted 2002-10-13 01:21 AM

Bravo....this is too much for me. Another amazing poem *pants/drool/faint*

*rover*

Amazing, truly. I enjoyed everything about this poem. Especially the for-ma/t I loved it.
Very creative and very profound.

Awaiting for more.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

12 posted 2002-10-13 01:43 AM

i love your smiley x. ::grins::

and thank you for your kind words.

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-13-2002 01:44 AM).]

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

13 posted 2002-10-13 10:50 AM

The only real thing I guestion are the line breaks. They really disturb the natural flow at points, but I assume that is the effect you desired. I also am curious about the use of brackets rather than parenthesis. It's not a hige issue, just a curiousity thing.

Casey

If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see...

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

14 posted 2002-10-24 07:40 PM

brackets are a mere preference for me.  i prefer the abruptness of them, whereas parenthesis just seem to flow too nicely.  it's a visual thing.

brackets have always been a little quirk of mine.  it's partly my little creation [the way they're used], with a hint of inspiration from a genius [e.e. cummings gotta love him].

haha jav.  the slashes, well, it's hard to describe that technique [itching/chafing/choking] is truly a jen original.  heh.

that's how you tell it's one of mine.

  it just popped into my head one day [back in the day] while trying to get this one VERY complex feeling out [racking my brain for a way to express it properly].

i played around quite a bit.  but i found the technique that worked perfectly for me.  it was a very personal thing.

and thus my unique little slash quirk was born.  and has since made appearances in several pieces.  i'm an odd little poet.

yet truly different, and for that i am proud.

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-26-2002 12:29 AM).]

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

15 posted 2002-10-25 02:54 AM

Bumpity bump BUMP!!

I had to read this and reply to it again. May people see you in all your glory!

Me

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

anawnda
Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 113

16 posted 2002-10-25 05:22 AM

i dont know what else to say except that i really enjoyed thid piece a lot and....ummm...i really enjoyed this piece a lot (lol! =)

Morgana Le Fay
Junior Member

since 2002-10-25

Posts 22

17 posted 2002-10-25 08:30 PM

I just sit and I enjoy.

And then I start a fire..

... to burn all of my journals.

You lift the bar, babe.

- Jaime

by the woods, you hear it creeping, and you know, they're the blood in you

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