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EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

0 posted 2002-12-30 09:42 AM

7:55 am:
I'm looking at the sky
Waiting for the bus.
The sky is grey and drizzle-damp.

(if the heavens don't open and it stays as just drizzle
you'll be waiting for me in the school hall)

8:15 am:
The bus is late. Yet again.
Why am I not surprised?

(if it arrives in the next five minutes
you'll try to refrain from denying my existance)

8:19 am:
The bus is pulling up.
The windows are steamed up, so I can't see who's inside.

(if my friend wears her blue coat
you'll be my friend today)

8:40 am:
I'm here and I can see you.
"Hi."
You ignore me.

OK, I know this stinks. Hit me with your hardest, critiques! Consider it training!

"I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma"

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

1 posted 2002-12-30 01:55 PM

Well, its a nice write it made me think about what it was going to be about but in the end u stated it and thats all that counts.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

2 posted 2003-01-03 06:59 PM

Eleanor~
I don't think this 'stinks' at all.
I really enjoyed the way you did the
time line on this. It kept my attention,
and I was looking forward to finding out what
was going to happen once you got to school.
Nicely done.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes
[This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-03-2003 07:03 PM).]