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HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

0 posted 2002-12-29 11:41 PM

My heart soars
while I'm with you.
I love no one more
than I love you.

Your hand touches mine,
as I gaze at you for a time.
Our lips brush gently together
and I picture us now into forever.

I'm not sad, although we must part,
for again I know we'll be together soon.
Then I remember my scarred human heart
and hope it does not lead to ruin.

I look to my heart,
broken and damaged,
and I wonder,
how I do manage

to let you in;
to give you my heart?
Can I escape the demon within?
Or will I fall apart?

*****************************************************
This is really old.......and in my opinion, not that great.Any help/suggestions/changes would be much appriciated!Thanks.

darkling
Member

since 2001-08-28

Posts 90
altered state of mind

1 posted 2002-12-29 11:46 PM

As you have diligently replied to some of my works, I feel I should return the favor. I enjoyed this poem, as it mirrors many of the emotions I find surfacing in my own thoughts. I like the un-uniform( I think I've invented a word) way the lines fit together. long and then short. The rhythm is slightly off though, flitting from one rhyme scheme to another. perhaps you could rearrange it some how? If not, its still enjoyable. I love your pen name, by the way. It seems I am a hopleless romantic myself.
A new friend,
Darkling

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

2 posted 2002-12-29 11:51 PM

I know you quite well and I like all your work so needless to say I like this on as well. How old is it? Don't think I ever recall seeing it...Hmm...you little sneak! Great job...It's puuurrrfect! ~*~Me~*~

~Loving you isn't the problem, getting too close is.~
*Mistakes are made, you pay for them, then you do it again.*
~*Love doesn't make the world go

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

3 posted 2002-12-30 12:41 PM

I really like this, it is sadly beautiful...and I can relate as well. good Job!

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-12-30 03:37 PM

I thought this was very good. Thats my opinion. But I have trouble giving advice on poems. So I wouldn`t listen to me. LOL
*Allison*

"O My love
Please don`t cry
I`ll wash my bloody hands
And well start a new life"
-Good Charlotte

SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

5 posted 2002-12-30 04:38 PM

Hey hun, Long time since i have been around and read your work but OMG you still have it dont you~! i have always loved your work .. and i believe i always will. i dont think you need to change anything you did a great job.~! it was sad but greatly writen. oo just in case you dont know who this is .. it is me Read_What_i_write

take care hun~!

*!~!* Andrea *!~!*
soon to be mother

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

6 posted 2002-12-30 04:50 PM

Now, now Andrea, how could I forget who you are?
You are one of the few people still here that were here before me and still reply to my work.     That, and though we didn't talk alot, it was enough so I wouldn't forget ya!  Though I gotta say, it's been a while since I've seen you here too.  Well, later!

"You can't hurt meee!!  'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

[This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (12-30-2002 04:50 PM).]

SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

7 posted 2002-12-31 02:34 AM

LOL sorry i just got done having a baby~! eeppers and i have been running around with my head cut off .. cuz it all so new to me . hehe .. but im still here and always will be here~! mauh ahahaha~! SO i guess that means your stuck with me~! yep i guess that is what that means

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

8 posted 2002-12-31 04:19 PM

Very good one, can't think of anything you could change on it. It doesn't need any changes to me, but that's just my worthless opinion. I liked it alot. Glad you're back around.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

9 posted 2002-12-31 09:40 PM

You asked for suggestions and that is one thing I am full of.  So first off, what benefit is centering this piece?  A thing to always think about with poetry is that everything should have a purpose to aid the reader in navigating your poem.  Now on to some line by line things.

My heart soars {This is cliche.  Definetly not a good thing to start off a poem with a cliche.}
while I'm with you. {This sort of thing has been said, in various mediums, namely a bunch of pop songs.  Why repeat what's been done?  And if you are so bent on repeating it, why not try and do it better?}
I love no one more
than I love you. {This is a whole lot of telling and NO showing.  At this point, as just a reader of poetry I would stop reading.  You need to catch your reader from the start, Because otherwise you'll lose them.}

Your hand touches mine,
as I gaze at you for a time. {This line reads akwardly.  I can't tell why exactly besides my own dislike of the wording.  And I bet many will say I don't know what I am talking about on this point (and all others).}
Our lips brush gently together {The first near image, but you allow it to fall short. More.}
and I picture us now into forever. {Akward wording, again.}

I'm not sad, although we must part,
for again I know we'll be together soon. {What purpose is for again serving?}
Then I remember my scarred human heart {Good to know it isn't a cow heart...  Sorry but sarcasm is permitted there.  Get 'human' outta there.}
and hope it does not lead to ruin. {Akward again.}

I look to my heart,
broken and damaged,
and I wonder,
how I do manage {Breaking the line here is really akward.  Not a good thing to have to force akward line breaks to make your poem rhyme.}

to let you in;
to give you my heart?
Can I escape the demon within?
Or will I fall apart?

Okay I didn't make it through.  Why not show us a little something, the best poetry does just that.  And steer clear of cliche topics such as this one.

Casey

LTEvans
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
Lenham, England

10 posted 2003-01-02 09:43 PM

I did not think the poem was too bad at all.

What bothered me was the way that the word "akward" appeared in the post above many times.

It is spelt ...awkward... all right?

Solipsism saves us from the atavism of the Equalitarian.

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

11 posted 2003-01-02 11:38 PM

Thanks so much for being my spell check, I figured since half the people on this site don't bother doing it in a poem I shouldn't bother either. I must have that desire to fit in, you know like all teenage girls...

Casey

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

12 posted 2003-01-03 08:34 AM

I really have no opinion on this one so... look out! It's the Llurghoyf!!! ( Runs away frantically!)

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

13 posted 2003-01-03 01:08 PM

Hey! I really enjoyed your poem! the only part that I didn't like was on the third stanza the last line it stops the flow of the poem. Other than that I really liked it it was a very emotional poem. Just as a side note I love your name! I'm a hopeless romantic too!

Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love)
~Bella~

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