Life, The Way It Used To Be

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Petey
Junior Member

since 2002-12-16

Posts 27
Idaho, USA

0 posted 2002-12-16 06:19 PM

Hey people, what's up? This is my most recent poem but it's my first I have posted. I'll try to post some of my other poems some other time. Be sure to tell me what you think about this poem.

Life, The Way It Used To Be

This is love.
This is life.
Sent here from up above.
From heaven, above the sky.
Life was perfect.
For all I knew.
I thought I had it all.
Until I met you.

I felt like I could fly.
Soaring through the clouds.
But now I can't help but cry.
But my heart's shattered now.
Your look hits it so hard.
This is the worst it's even been.
No matter how hard I try,
I can't put it back together again.
This is what it means to be heartbroken.

I can't shake this feeling.
I just can't get over you.
If seeing is believing,
Then I already knew.
I just wish that I had the chance.
I wish I could be consequential.
Be to you what you are to me.
I just want to be someone special.

I'm not attractive.
But at least try.
I'm not perfect.
That's just one big lie.
There is someone who loves you.
Can't you see?
That person loves you.
That person is me.
This is what heartbroken must mean.
-Petey

[This message has been edited by Petey (12-16-2002 06:43 PM).]

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2002-12-16 06:49 PM

Hello, Petey, welcome to Passions! I hope you enjoy it here!

This is a good piece. Your emotions come through clearly and the flow was nice and smooth. It sort of took a rhythm onto itself without me having to think about it, so it certainly read fluently to me. There is only one pointer I can give you, which is to reconsider your third line. It is one of those lines that seems to appear in at least one poem written by everyone at some time, it registers as trite. That's just the last thing you want in such a strong and well-written poem as this. Wonderful work, keep it up. I hope to read more of your pieces soon!

~Sky

"Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, but now I'm on my knees again" -Creed

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

2 posted 2002-12-21 01:10 AM

Petey~
Welcome to Passions!
This is a very nicely written piece.
There is much emotion in your words,
and you've expressed your feelings well.
I hope to see lots more from you.
~Vicky
P.S. Check your e-mail for a special greeting.
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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