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Open Poetry #22
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If time were right (a sestina)
| Open Poetry #22 |
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If time were right (a sestina) |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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If time were right, I would send you a note. To you this stream of bleeding words would flow. Every storm and cloud I'd place and fold. The words would spell out why you make me old. The sentences would bring out salted sea. The closing would not bring you back to me. Over time, you have lain thorns in me. Flowers spread in letters of a note. They grow, a rhythmic heart of rose in flow. The stem a fragile line, I watch it fold. The petals cold as watches, dark and old. The smell of something gone, drowned in the sea. Within this time, I have colored the sea. Like clouds that burn the sun right out of me. Like rocks that sing a song of just one note. I watch the puddles gather, without flow. Skyline meets horizon at its fold. The tremble of the sun is getting old. Apart from time, we would not be this old. We could wash the drowning from this sea. I would not be so afraid of me. You would not leave me this unreal note. I read your voice among its broken flow. I press my face in silence to this fold. I press my face in silence to this fold. Though just begun, this letter feels days old. I want to tear it up into the sea. Watch it float its fragments far from me. I do not understand your final note. Your touch like rain is gone to sanded flow. Our time is done, but still the seconds flow. They wash my skin and bones, they watch me fold. Counting backwards is what makes me old. Swimming through the current of time's sea. I lashed out at what I found in me. I do not understand your final note. A chime, a note, the seconds flow. This letter's fold is grown and old. I'll mail the sea, where you'll find me. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey Mikey! This is one of the most vexing forms, and you make it seem so easy! A sad tone, and sometimes a sestina has a "heavy" feel to it, but you have managed to write somber and still keep the verses light--not contrived at all. It's quite a feat to maintain personal style in such a form as this, congratulations, lovie--you've done it.  |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
 thanks, Sen. This was inspired by something that happened with a friend a few weeks back -- sort of. I'm glad you liked my attempt. These things are *hard*!!! Your turn.Mikey |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Within this time, I have colored the sea. Like clouds that burn the sun right out of me. Like rocks that sing a song of just one note. I watch the puddles gather, without flow. Skyline meets horizon at its fold. The tremble of the sun is getting old. Wow!! This is quite the awesome work of art! Much enjoyed. Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
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Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now |
How can y' write form poetry, baby? I would go insane. I'm so not the kinda person who can work inside of any sort of restriction. i'll be waiting for you |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks, Chris. Lori, believe it or not, this sestina was easier to write than my one ever successful villanelle (Autumn sand). Now THOSE are hard. And why form poetry? Just something to try, I suppose. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Pardon this brief interruption-- But why form poetry? Because it is wonderful exercize--I always use the analogy of football players running through those lined up tires--it seems dumb and even boring (I've done that too--grin) but later on in the game, "high stepping" comes naturally when it's needed the most. It's the same with forms--it just adds a few more tools to the writer's chest. And now, I'll SHADDUP...since I'm in such a chatty mood, I think I'll go out t'nite...grin, again. Hugs you two! Ta-ta! |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Within this time, I have colored the sea. Like clouds that burn the sun right out of me. Like rocks that sing a song of just one note. I watch the puddles gather, without flow. Skyline meets horizon at its fold. The tremble of the sun is getting old. You make all of the forms of poetry look easy, Mr.Squirrel... You seem to have a font of words and an unfathomable brilliance at using them...  ~ wordy rodent hugs... and btw, I'm still waiting for those acorns you promised me...I would like the green chocolate ones please... they come from the green money tree  Lyra |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed |
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
Dude I love your poetry. Cold hands means a warm heart |
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brian sites Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475usa |
I'm not familiar with this form but, I think I got it I can see where it could be stifling No sweat for the squirrel, at least none that dripped on the page This had a sea in see AND rhythm a little ominous about the friend I think? good brian |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Within this time, I have colored the sea. Like clouds that burn the sun right out of me. Like rocks that sing a song of just one note. I watch the puddles gather, without flow. Skyline meets horizon at its fold. The tremble of the sun is getting old. Apart from time, we would not be this old. We could wash the drowning from this sea. I would not be so afraid of me. You would not leave me this unreal note. I read your voice among its broken flow. I press my face in silence to this fold. ================================ How very very cool Poet squirrel... this is such a deep write... you worked the images, theme and metaphors to poetic perfection while dancing your rhymes to this format. I love the analogies of the ocean, time, the roses...all of it...just beautiful!! Your talent is showing groovy guy  In the space between now and then |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
BSquirrel~ You may step to the front of the class, sir~ Brilliantly done~ Not quite enough Excedrin in the world to get me through a Sestina .... yet~  I admire your word-working~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you all, for reading and enjoying those words. Serenity, I couldn't say it better myself regarding form poetry. And brian, it's all in the end(s). Mike |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I really appreciate the skill involved in writing form poetry. This you have so eloquently displayed in this sestina. Love, Light & Laughter Linda |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you, Linda.Mike |
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