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Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

0 posted 2002-08-26 07:46 AM

I'll tell you a story 'bout old Balladeer,
Of a great farting contest early last year.
Where all the best farters of all different sizes,
Compete in a contest for various prizes.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale
To compete for a trophy and a barrel of ale
Whilst others whose rectums are bigger and strongest
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

This special event started in late '63
And the betting was even on old Larry C
For it appeared in the evening edition,
That this guy's rear end was in perfect condition

Now LongJohn Silver had a perfect backside,
Half a jungle of hairs with a wart on each side
And he fancied his chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and beans.

The Judge had arrived and went up to the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band;
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use on steroids and pills."

Balladeer arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off his drawers,
For though he'd no chance in the farting display
He had the best looking rear you'd see on this day

Now young Mr. Toerag was backed into place
Though he'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
By dropping a fart on Sunday in Church,
Which was easily heard on the Reverand's high perch.

The guys lined up at the signal to start,
LongJohn won the toss, and he took his first fart.
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While his wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Larry C. reckoned nothing of this,
He'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss,
He took up his place and his butt opened wide,
But unluckily crapped, and was disqualified.

The young Mr. Toerag was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
He took a deep breath, and clenching his hands,
He blew the whole roof top off the spectator stands

That left Balladeer who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the audience who loudly now cheered,
And though it was reckoned his chances were small,
He ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With his hands on his hips, he stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone
And the judge now agreed without question or pause,
And said, "First place to Balladeer, now pull up your drawers!"

But with muscles well-tensed and legs wide apart,
He started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and Ending with Wing,
He went right up the scale to "God Save The King!"

[This message has been edited by Toerag (08-26-2002 12:50 PM).]

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

1 posted 2002-08-26 09:24 AM

Lotta hot air in this one!! Done with your usual flair. Made me laugh on this dreary day here in the south.

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

2 posted 2002-08-26 09:33 AM

Ah, the woes of living in Stinkadena... I thought all that noise was THUNDER! LOL

And now you've done it... told the world what a nice looking rear Bal has... Blame no one but yourself when he's not around... he'll be busy with the ladies! LOL (Unless he starts practicing for next year's contest... that could leave him lonely in a hurry! *G*)

Thanks for the grins, sweets... this Monday needed a smile. *S*

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2002-08-26 09:58 AM

Toe,
I think I did see a notation in Ripley's.
Enjoyed

likitysplit
Junior Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 23
Alabama

4 posted 2002-08-26 04:05 PM

I sure hope that whatever you have is not hereditary.

Tammy Blessing
Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 366
PA

5 posted 2002-08-26 04:13 PM

Thanks for the laugh!!!! This has to be one of the funniest poems I've ever read. Keep up the good work..but leave the gas at home...THANK GOD computers don't have smell-o-vision..

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

6 posted 2002-08-26 04:22 PM

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

7 posted 2002-08-26 04:34 PM

I think I will go get the Lysol Air Freshener.....

Toe....what have you been doing all day?

Wait! Forget that question...I think I
already know the answer....

GOlDsparklESS
Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 428
central nj

8 posted 2002-08-26 04:55 PM

oh god.

this is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

O' to be delivered from the realm of the rational into pure song...

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

9 posted 2002-08-26 05:02 PM

Hereditary?.....When you were born you were one part of a set of twins...a baby and a turd....the baby died!!!!

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

10 posted 2002-08-26 05:28 PM

Toe,
Adds new meaning to "all crapped out again"! You do know how to tweek my funny bone. ROTFLMBO

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-05

Posts 8296
Michigan

11 posted 2002-08-26 07:23 PM

Phew!!!!!!!That sure stinks things up around here, Mr.Toe.
I was wondering what the oder was, and I thought someone had forgotten to flush

I guess, in a way...they did

I chuckled real hard all the way through

Thanks so much for the laugh... you decadent digit rag...

~ hugs from a chipmunk with a clothespin on her nose

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

12 posted 2002-08-26 08:21 PM

Whenever you write a poem, it should be entitled "Let's Get Ready to Mumble"!....stumble also works...even fumble.

Ya done good on this one, reprobate.

All I can say in reBUTTal is:

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

13 posted 2002-08-26 10:03 PM

Too Funny!!!
Ah Toe, I love ya guy!! What would Passions be without your own unique brand of humor. Thanks for the side splitting dose of laughter

Hugs

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

14 posted 2002-08-28 06:06 AM

Now you did it--You brought out the exhibitionist in Balladeer--See his response above. Truth is--it is kinda cute.

Shenachie

Marsha

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-10

Posts 7423
Maidstone Kent England

15 posted 2002-08-28 07:31 AM

Toe darling boy this is wonderful, I’m tempted to write something along the lines of ……….. the answer my friend is blowing in the wind, …… but of course I wouldn’t dream of doing so.

Well done my friend this brought a huge smile to my face, you certainly do that with ease. I like this I like this a whole lot. Fabulous writing darling boy, utterly utterly fabulous. As I’ve said before you bring a big smile to the forums and these pages need the smiles for certain

Love and warm stuff
As always
Mushy

Breathe through the heat of our desire
Thy coolness and they balm
Let sense be dumb let flesh retire
Speak through the earthquake wind and fire

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

16 posted 2002-08-28 11:45 PM

This is a true story about a husband of mine and his four brothers. On this particular first family re-union I attended they proceeded to do one of their annual contests which involved five bare butts and one welding torch, do I have to tell you what it was about? I divorced the one that could do it the farthest or should that be "fartest". This was hilarious!

The most valuable thing you own is a smile, wear it, and share it.
Sharon

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (08-28-2002 11:47 PM).]

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

17 posted 2002-08-28 11:50 PM

Rude, crude, lewd & uncouth---and utterly hysterical!

Love, Light & Laughter
Linda

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