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Open Poetry #20
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shadow catcher
| Open Poetry #20 |
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shadow catcher |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast 
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you were woman skin under sun sides you danced in your veils to wind music and made shapeshifts on the ocean places I carried empty hands without strings like guitars that imagine dreams you gave me shadow money to spend and sent me to your store of favors when night came you opened the doors to my first time and your forever time I helped you polish your pearl and rubies you showed me all of your treasures you asked me to touch places you didn't know and would I return to catch more shadows ©Dark |
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| © Copyright 2002 ©Dark 2k - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
woo... written like you KNEW me...like ancestral memory... You write, m'friend, like you have danced to drum before.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
This is marvelous - like a hidden thought, exposed to light, only to duck back into the shadows...well done sir! |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
serenity,,thank you ms..so pleased to please the thoughts this am Sunshine, good morning and thank you for the smile eyes |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Dark~I thank you for my morning smile. ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
glad to bring one with a slow hand touch thank you ms enchant |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
At this very moment, quote: pleases me very much, but I think I shall send my sisters in to have them pick out their favorite lines... |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
ms whyte, thank you for your pick glad you enjoyed the view |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Good morning, DS "I helped you polish your pearl and rubies you showed me all of your treasures you asked me to touch places you didn't know" I think you are the one with the treasure. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DarkStranger~ A soft touch of morning sun catches shadows of you all over the page~ Beautiful expression~ *HUGS* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
Ms martie,,thank you for your eyes lady fair, you are gracious with your words Marge, humble smile and warm hugs to you, thank you so much |
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rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
Endless well treasures buckets overflowing with shadow streams finding them, placing them on the spirit mantle of fireplaces you create yes, more shadows..more.. Sincerely, Regina |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
I love this sensual write. Going directly into my library. Well done. Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
Regina, window walls of liquid glass for your eyes to walk through your buckets are kiss mouths let them drink at my word well sinsear thanks |
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Indigo Senior Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 602 |
passion's currency spent so freely, replenished by the sound of sighs Indigo |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
oooooooo! You sure know how to get to a woman. Patience is the ability to idle your motor, when you feel like stripping your gears. Author Unknown |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
Nightshade, thank you for blessing my humble to your library and for your eyes Indigo, passion coins of gold and silver at the magic wheel of dreams double down and covered thank you lady PhaChi friend, thank you lady for your smile thoughts, I enjoy your touch |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Dark, I really enjoyed this as well. Have you read any Gwendolyn MacEwen (hope I got the spelling right)? This sensual style reminds me of her work. Great images, except the guitar one seemed a little out of place for some reason. Mind if I offer some small suggestions in the hope of strengthening this already well-written piece even more? There are a lot of pronouns in this, and you might consider taking some out. Even something simple like: woman skin under sun sides, dancing in veils to wind music (and then use "you" in the next line or so - or leave the second line as is, though I still think you can lose the "your" before veils) Or (although I think the first is stronger): you were woman skin under sun sides dancing in veils to wind music I just think we know "I" is speaking addressing a "you" quite quickly, so you don't have to keep telling us. Removing some pronouns (which would also call for more variety in your construction as in my suggestions above), IMHO, would allow the images more space and power. Also, have you thought about punctuation at all? I know it's a stylistic choice, but since you haven't used any, I'm not sure whether you want me to pause or keep reading at the ends of lines. This was especially noticeable from the end of stanza 2 to the beginning of stanza 3, the only place where the thought continues. Sometimes you probably want pauses, and sometimes not. It's hard to know how to read this if you keep switching back and forth with no punctuation to guide us. One last picky thing - I think the ending is the weakest part. It's inconsistent with the 3 line stanza form you've set up. And even though it seems to be a question, there's no question mark and this makes the poem seem unfinished to me. Would it be stronger if you ended in a statement like, "I would / will return..."? Or something else altogether? What do you think? Anyway, you are free to disregard any of the above. I just would like to see all pieces go as far as they can, especially when they're already good like this one. Keep writing and posting, Ashley [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (04-23-2002 01:27 PM).] |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Is there a favorite then, if so, quote: I make this mine... |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (smiles) Wow, I love this, sweet friend, you always have such gorgeous words to share from the shadows only your heart weaves! (sigh) This is breathtaking, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Dark Stranger, The deeper you go the more pressure but less shadows. Enjoyed |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
DS~ a lovely view of the shadows....good afternoon poet sir~  Lauren~ ~Sinking fast into |
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