Tell me - Have you seen her?

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Open Poetry #25

Tell me - Have you seen her?

Fauxreal
Junior Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 38

0 posted 2003-02-16 12:46 PM

She's holding her baby
Holding him tight
walking unsure
Through the dangerous night
Looking for something
With nothing to show
But hard times on her face
And a world full of "no".
No I don't love you
No I don't care
That's not my child
So no, I'm not there
No you're not pretty
No you're not smart
No you don't deserve
Love returned to your heart.
She's selling her body
She's selling her soul
For 5 minutes in a painless
Secluded black hole.
Gunshots ring out
In the distance somewhere
Her world's so unheeding,
Her world's so unfair-
Just looking for something
To ease the pain
With all seats reserved
On a full night train.

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

1 posted 2003-02-16 02:46 PM

Fauxreal,
this is a very moving piece, smooth and vivid.
The only line I would change is "to ease the pain" I would add a syllable maybe to ease (out) the pain. Not that my syllable count is perfect, Balladeer constantly tells me I can't count to save my life.lol; I tell him it's an accent thing, so if the count reads right to you, don't change it.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

2 posted 2003-02-20 04:51 AM

........speechless

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

3 posted 2003-02-20 05:12 AM

woah, I'm not sure if I'm speechless or if I've got tons to say... but this is good, I felt it and see it and you've made me understand it. I just hope day comes soon with a ticket on the train. Though, walking is more fun.. but yes, painful.

Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
(blink, breathe, stand, fight)

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