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Open Poetry #19
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this year would have made twenty seven
| Open Poetry #19 |
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this year would have made twenty seven |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298
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He surveyed all that he had hoarded and incredulously asked her- You want me to give up all this? he gestures wildly You don’t understand, his head softly shaking this is my sadness, he touches his chest bought and paid for. and again his head shakes Forgive and forget? his chin now lifting Start over with a clean slate? his eyes wildly rolling I haven’t worked this hard to get here to let you in with a few tear drops he curses to someone she can’t see Not with my blessing, you wont. This is my sadness, I own it. I won’t let you take it. his fists clenched at his sides Go. he dismisses her with a wave of his hand Leave me be. he sits and leans his head inside his hands All of his life he had saved- every hurt and betrayal. every word misspoken, every night slept in anger, He miserly stored them all away. Shreds of trust hang over the windows darkened with age, the doors deadlocked and double bolted from the inside. The not for sale sign he wears on his lips upside down. [This message has been edited by jellybeans (03-08-2002 10:42 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 jellybeans - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (tears fall down my cheeks) This is so very sad, sweet friend, my heart goe sout to him and I pray that soon he can have the courage to leave it all behind and to trade his tears for smiles of hope and warmth! (big hugggssssss) My heart goes out to him, sweet friend, we all love you so much, this is wonderfully touching! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!   May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
JellyBeans~ Such a poignantly-stirring piece~ 'I haven’t worked this hard to get here to let you in with a few tear drops' Remarkable line .... it is~ The entire piece aches with vivid emotion~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Krissy Senior Member
since 2002-02-22
Posts 556kent England |
Jellybeans hi there this is a seriously good piece of writing, you’ve written this well. It simply echoes with the soul in pain, I like it I like it a whole lot. Well done   Love and warm stuff As always Krissy And while thy willing soul transpiers |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Wow! Just love the way you did this, jellybean...really intense and true. Could feel all the emotion from begining to end and it flowed beautifully...very - well - done. jwesley |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
All of his life he had saved- every hurt and betrayal. every word misspoken, every night slept in anger, He miserly stored them all away. Shreds of trust hang over the windows long broken, the doors deadlocked and double bolted from the inside. Well, lady, you've achieved the impossible. *S* Not in writing a poem so filled with emotion it hurts my heart... you do that often and well. *S* No... you've done much more than that. *S* You've made me feel sorry for him, for how much he's missing as he clings to his sadness... he has blinded himself to love offered and isolated himself choosing the wrong comfort... finding it's no comfort at all. Just don't expect this sympathy to last, though. *S* He won't let it. Superb writing, jb. |
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ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
written from the heart, liked the form too  |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you all so much...this one was easy to write...I was a witness, so I just penned the commentary.......sigh and suthern, you got a big heart lady, that's no faulty of mine...I am just lucky yo have you for a friend |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
this is my sadness, this right here sums up my feelings in this poem... emotional shields = emotional emaciation. the whole of this gripped me in a spot that understands - too much. i do have one minor critique - the closing lines... the idea represented is very good - the manner in which you presented it jumps over the cliche it could have been... but i think it's a bit too... uhmm... "light" for the tone of the rest of the poem. i think with a little rewording (maybe making it not so "obvious") the end could have a real impact. just my op - i really liked this Christopher |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
hey chris, thank you for the thoughts, do you have any ideas on the ending...will give it some thought over the weekend also... |
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