In Freezing, Warm May (Duet - acire and I)

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Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

0 posted 2001-05-25 05:47 AM

In Freezing, Warm May

Peep through the curtains,
Sun isn't shining today
My fingers, iceblocks.

Beams of light peek thru
Morning shower's ended bath
Summer's heat comes alive

Whispered winds turned cold,
Grey hides a beautiful sky,
Butterflies bite damp.

Scent of grassy greens
As the birds do start to sing
In this a new day

Crunchy leaves on damp,
Stepped on by booted children,
Leafing trees censored.

Trees waving leaves dry
A swift breeze making delight
such a pretty sight

Skies in two places
Are crying tears while smiling
In freezing, warm May.

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

1 posted 2001-05-25 05:48 AM

Sorry I didn't post this earlier acire! I somehow missed reading your last e-mail..
Luv, Lynne

“A poem is a tiny piece of the poets soul; on paper.”

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2001-05-25 08:55 AM

This is great! So we're treated to a Puerto Rico/New Zealand view of the month of May!!!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-05-25 03:40 PM

*sits in a lounge chair in the sun*
Huh? Puerto Rico? Hehe

Well done you guys!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

4 posted 2001-05-26 08:51 AM

Beautiful duet, you too! I love the symbolism in this piece... very well done. Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-05-26 12:05 PM

Looking at this... it's mostly haikus, isn't it? 5-7-5... and for the most part you did a wonderful job. "Summer's heat comes alive" didn't fit this theme though.
Was this what you were going for?

I really like this duet... very original. I can't wait to see more of these, glad you two posted yours!

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

6 posted 2001-05-29 04:40 AM

Oh, right.. acire is from Puerto Rico.. ^_^ I didn't know that! I just kinda guessed that it would be different weather..

Hehe, thanks you guys.. dunno where acire is, I don't think he's seen this link yet.. I'll have to show him..
Yeah Allan.. that was what it was meant to be.. oh, right! ^_^ I didn't notice that.. Thanks all u guys.. so nice to us!!

Luv, Lynne

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-06-05 10:34 AM

I'm not from Puerto Rico....I'm in Chicago

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Allan, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michele,

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-06-05 05:05 PM

I'm from Puerto Rico

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

9 posted 2001-06-06 02:44 AM

I knooooooooow that acire..

I read ur post in.. some other place.. yeah, okok.. I didn't know when i wrote that.. forgive me for taking Sharon's word for it..

Dopey, YOU, are from Puerto Rico??!!! Oh my gosh, REALLY?!!

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

10 posted 2001-06-06 08:22 PM

Sup with you people from Australia

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Val, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Maree, Michel

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

11 posted 2001-06-07 02:38 AM

haha

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

12 posted 2001-06-09 12:44 PM

Hey guys...nice job!

But the critique witch is here...heh heh heh...



                   Peep through the curtains,
                   Sun isn't shining today
                   My fingers, iceblocks.

**Like this first part...very nice...

                   Beams of light peek thru
                   Morning shower's ended bath
                   Summer's heat comes alive

** Oh please please spell 'through' properly...please please ~beg beg~
Also, don't you think that you could find a more original word than 'beams'?

                   Whispered winds turned cold,
                   Grey hides a beautiful sky,
                   Butterflies bite damp.

**I like butterflies bite damp - that's a great image.

                   Scent of grassy greens
                   As the birds do start to sing
                   In this a new day

** Right...what's up with the 'birds do start to sing'?

                   Crunchy leaves on damp,
                   Stepped on by booted children,
                   Leafing trees censored.

** like the first line...like the second ALTHOUGH I did get a fleeting image of children getting well...kicked in the butt heh. (Just my violent tendencies, nevermind me.) I'm unsure about the 'leafing trees censored.' It's a bit...vague - and doesn't sound grammatically kosher either...

                   Trees waving leaves dry
                   A swift breeze making delight
                   such a pretty sight

** Do you really want the rhyme here? You haven't rhymed anywhere else - why start now?

                   Skies in two places
                   Are crying tears while smiling
                   In freezing, warm May.

** Nice contradiction of imagery my friends...very nice indeed.

One final thing. I'm aware you wrote separate parts for this - but to make it blend in tightly, how about making the punctuation use more consistent?

Overall..it rocks!

K

It is to do with tree-ferns:
mamuka, pongo, wheki.
Shelter under here is so easily understood.
From 'Hope', by Dinah Hawkins

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

13 posted 2001-06-29 05:52 AM

Thanx K..

Yeah, my mum didn't like the 'leafing trees censored" line either.. and reading it again now, a while after I've written, I'm not quite sure it had the effect I was meaning, lol.. yep, thanks Kamla..

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

14 posted 2006-09-30 10:20 AM

Even when it turns suddenly cold on us, the world is wonderful.....but this fall morning (we don't have Autumn here)....two voices just warmed it for me.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

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