1st Draft, Irish Rose please help edit.

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Ousiders Cattermole
Junior Member

since 2001-11-02

Posts 27

0 posted 2001-11-23 07:10 PM

In the maroon of English moors -
To here you'll find my tomb,
Buried amid the hues of foliage -
That autumn wrought to bloom.

In the queerest little meadow -
Where the hallow came to dream,
For beneath the pious broken oak -
You'll cross the willow serene.

{So alas} to pass the muse of gold -
You'll come to find my tears,
For to here it was I came to die -
Amid the passing of the years.

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

1 posted 2001-11-23 08:10 PM

wonderful writing.... i really loved this.... great imagery, emotion, structure

(i'm not the one you asked to help edit but since you asked, with the formal structure here, this line "You'll cross the willow serene." is one syllable too long.... a couple of the other lines weren't exactly meter-perfect either but hey.... i don't know what type of editing your looking for and you didn't ask me to do an edit.... i feel this verse is beautiful just as it is...)

i saw your other post asking why Balladeer gets so many responses and saying you were going to quit....don't quit.... nobody and i mean NOBODY gets as many responses as the Great Balladeer ... LOL!!!

(he's a fine poet who responds to all with kind support, so no wonder..)
hey, i've been here since the inception of this site and i've had poems with zero or only one or two responses which slid off the page so quick, it was like time lapse photography, but guess what? i'm still here... i won't quit... you know why? it's not about the number of responses, it's about writing poetry... and writing from your heart ..... just because you don't have as many responses as others, doesn't mean you aren't being read...

i read this a couple of hours ago but didn't respond yet, because your title requested Irish Rose to help you edit... so i was waiting for her to reply before i did

keep writing.... keep posting... you are a new member... people need to see your name out there to recognize it... read and reply to others, as well

you clearly have a lot of talent and i'm looking forward to reading more

[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 11-23-2001).]

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

2 posted 2001-11-23 08:12 PM

I like it just as it is..it is very descriptive, and paints a sad picture, which I think it was meant to do.

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

3 posted 2001-11-23 08:30 PM

well, I am honored and have NO idea who you are but let me read this, thank you I'm a bit embarrassed here ok? ok, I'm a lot embarrassed!

I will be back.

As far as writing goes, we are a friendly group of people. Balladeer is one of the best as far as posting few poems and he always gives everyone a kind and sweet reply so please stick around. Came back to edit, what in the sam hill is wrong with me, I forgot to mention his natural talent and his heart of gold

there I feel better.

May I ask why you put my name on this title and why you asked for my "editing" I'm certainly no pro but again, I am honored.

Kathleen
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-23-2001).]

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

4 posted 2001-11-23 08:52 PM

Hello again.
Doreen is right, this is wonderful.
I'm not sure what you had in mind but when someone asks me for help and it has to do with versification?  Wellllllllll..........
don't say I didn't warn you.

This is a talented write.

what I did (and again, you have me at a disadvantage here cause I am not sure what you wanted) but what I did was what I would do if this were my poem.

Strive for perfect rhyme if possible, perfect pattern when scanning, even if it means changing a word or two and again, I'm doing this as if this were my poem ok?  So I hope I don't offend you.

Well, here is my take, thanks again...

anapest          iamb     iamb
The maroon/ of Eng/lish moors -/

anapest     iamb         iamb
it is here/ you'll find/ my tomb,/

anapest           iamb          iamb
Buried midst/ the hues/ of green/

anapest         iamb               iamb
That my aut/umn wrought/ to bloom./

anapest        iamb     iamb     mono
In the queer/est litt/le mea/dow -/

anapest            iamb            iamb
Where the hal/low came/ to dream,/

anapest         iamb     iamb
For beneath/ the pi/ous oak -/

anapest           iamb       iamb
You will cross/ the wil/low stream/

anapest      iamb      iamb
{So alas}/ the muse/ of gold -/

anapest          iamb       iamb
You will come/ to find/ my tears,/

anapest            iamb      iamb
For twas here/ I came/ to die -/

anapest          iamb       iamb
Midst the pass/ing of /the years./

We also have a good critique forum if you're interested.

Kathleen
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-23-2001).]

Startime
Member Ascendant

since 2000-10-03

Posts 5918
Canada

5 posted 2001-11-23 08:59 PM

I don't do critiques because I only go by how a poem makes me feel. That said......I must say that the sadness in this poem touched me. Like through the years hope has been somehow lost. My heart goes out to you. **hugs**

Love I leave with you whether it is in your life now or yet the essense of your dreams.

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

6 posted 2001-11-23 09:20 PM

well, *sigh* it looks like your resignation statement which i referenced in my previous comment has been deleted or moved, probably since it wasn't poetry and this is a poetry board... but i read it...

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