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ShannonM
Member

since 2001-07-28

Posts 104
Drifitng

0 posted 2001-08-04 11:59 AM

Cold, cold, crystal cascades
Pour your rain on me;
Give to me your accolades,
Cleanse me, set me free.
Let your angry torrents
Tear away my face,
For everything I've loved is gone
And left me grieving and displaced.

Cold, cold, crystal cascades,
Wash away from me this pain;
Take away this aching loss
For what I'll never have again.
Touch me with your icy waters,
Strip away my skin, strip
Away the muscle and bone,
Clean the livid scars within.

Cold, cold, crystal cascades
Pound my body to the ground,
Pound life into this shapeless form
Enough fight for one more round.
And if I prove too weak to fight,
Know I've paid a triple price;
I fail to grow as He wants me--
I offer myself as sacrifice.

[This message has been edited by ShannonM (edited 08-04-2001).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2001-08-04 12:08 PM

this is achingly beautiful...your imagery is
excellently employed and carried out in theme..and the emotions are vividly and intensely expressed...heartwrenching writing.
very well done Shannon

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

2 posted 2001-08-04 12:17 PM

As J.M. says, achingly beautiful, vivid images.

There are, since you ask, 3 lines that seem to have too many syllables for good flow. Read through again, aloud if need be and I think you'll find them. One used 'I will' when 'I'll' would cut the extra syllable out to help the flow. I think one of the others would be helped with a contraction, too. Just tiny things like that.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

3 posted 2001-08-04 12:22 PM

Very nicely written...loved the images you created...felt the pain. Well Done.

jwesley

PoeticKnight
Senior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 1144
New Orleans, LA

4 posted 2001-08-04 01:24 PM

Awesome imagery and very hauntingly beautiful poem. I really loved this. You are very talented.

ShannonM
Member

since 2001-07-28

Posts 104
Drifitng

5 posted 2001-08-04 10:51 PM

My thanks to you, Janet Marie, JWesley, and PoeticKnight for reading and replying. I am glad this touched you.

VAS, thank you for your honest comments. I will look this poem over.

ShannonM

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...

6 posted 2001-08-06 07:53 PM

This poem had a "classic" feel to it -- like one out of literature, between the cadence, the voice , and the addressed. Strong and profound feel.

-MVS

"When you tell the Truth, you never have to remember what you just said."
--Del Casher

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

7 posted 2001-08-06 08:00 PM

ShannonM,
Well done enjoyed the read.

snowpants
Member Elite

since 2000-09-16

Posts 2061
KS

8 posted 2001-08-06 10:03 PM

Excellent expression of emotion, Shannon...I felt the ache in this one...great write...

sp

it was love that first drew me,
it is love that will keep me here...
now I see love burning brightly
when everything else is unclear...

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