»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Dissonance
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Dissonance |
|
|
TunaKaHuna Junior Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 19United States |
What is love? Is it not the feeling of life to its fullest? Where the caption of buzzing bees, And rosy red roses blossom all over? But what if this fairyland ends? Ends to a bitter death by its dark murmuring shadow Casts its dreary black hate over our love, Ending feelings that once filled us both with ardency But now leaves me bewildered. Why is it, my love, this love had to end, To cast my love down a shadowy pit. Will this ever-after story not have a happy ending? It this really how it is my love Running off with another man? To have me pine to my hearts content Leaving me to bestow the shattered remains of my heart? Wasn’t our love the quartet of Heaven’s gates To keep our love fluttering through the air Of like a violin’s melody from its sweet taste. Oh how I loved that taste One of purity and peacefulness for my soul Leaving serenity around us both. But what is this now? An evening star gone dark? Oh where is that star My only star I wish upon To guide me through the night? Why it has been plagued by another man One to keep me from seeing you Just like the misty clouds Slitter over the crescent moon To hide its beauty Before becoming a-new. Where is my quartet My melody of any loving heart Which disperses the blood through my body Yearning for the touch of your lips. But my violin is gone from our love’s melody Instead, a mysterious viola takes its place. Oh curse that viola with its sinful voice One whom sings of sorrow and loss Not to bring joy to my heart, My tender loving heart. The other instruments join in their leader’s sadness Like a hissing breeze joins a cold winter’s night. The cello joins with its mellow toned wail Filling the dissonance of the viola’s song in a glove of pure madness From its sinful cries of mercy from this aura despair And the violins no more with their happy tuned faces But no with the bleeding tears of plucking from their troubled souls Much like mine my love. Oh is there an end to this pitiful state I am in To become deaf from me heartache’s song? I cannot bare the agony anymore! Oh where is the conductor of my heart To bring my love-song back My violin to once again fill my heart with rest. To end this pain with a madman’s death. This can’t be my end today For even God’s darkest nights End with streaming light A new beginning for my day. But when I remember you in my dreams My heartache’s song will play. If you give a person a title, then you really dont have to know them...but, they may just be the person who can make you see how happy life can be. [This message has been edited by TunaKaHuna (edited 08-21-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Brenton - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
Casts its dreary black hate over our love, Ending feelings that once filled us both with ardency But now leaves me bewildered. wow this is raw emotion at work here!! i thought that this was awesome toona! you did really well in this one...i now look like this ~~>  upon reading this poem...good job! Outside Ab Simpsons N.Home: |
||
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
First of all, I want to say that this piece was amazing. Upon the first read in the email, I was astounded. Left speechless... I was wondering "How does someone who says they're not a poet produce such a beautiful piece?" This poem, I know, was written straight from your heart. That what makes it so much more special. Brenton.. this is an amazing post. I know you want my full and honest opinion... be prepared. This is going to be a long reply!  "What is love? Is it not the feeling of life to its fullest? Where the caption of buzzing bees, And rosy red roses blossom all over?" The beginning paves the way for a beautiful poem. Love is this and so much more... many wonderful memories were brought back by just reading the opening lines.. a wonderful, powerful start. "But what if this fairyland ends? Ends to a bitter death by its dark murmuring shadow Casts its dreary black hate over our love, Ending feelings that once filled us both with ardency But now leaves me bewildered." That's heart wrenching... the beginning leaves the reader with a peaceful feel... but this part is just about a tear jerker for anyone who has experienced love. I loved the way you described this... describing the love as the fairyland.. ending by a "bitter death" and "dark, murmering shadow" and, "dreary hate". These words are awesome to describe this feeling... "Why is it, my love, this love had to end, To cast my love down a shadowy pit. Will this ever-after story not have a happy ending? It this really how it is my love Running off with another man? To have me pine to my hearts content Leaving me to bestow the shattered remains of my heart?" This part is surprising... you talk about love as if it's so surrean... and then you talk about it ending, but when you bring up "another man".. that's heart wrenching. "Wasn’t our love the quartet of Heaven’s gates To keep our love fluttering through the air Of like a violin’s melody from its sweet taste. Oh how I loved that taste One of purity and peacefulness for my soul Leaving serenity around us both." I LOVED that part... and you know why, I'm sure  When you brought up the instruments.. the quartet, and violin... It was almost as if I could hear the melody in my head. The beautiful sound of love.. and as you said.. leaving only serenity."But what is this now? An evening star gone dark? Oh where is that star My only star I wish upon To guide me through the night?" Those lines alone really stood out to me... an evening star gone dark... the pain is evident.. and it even hurts the reader. "But my violin is gone from our love’s melody Instead, a mysterious viola takes its place. Oh curse that viola with its sinful voice One whom sings of sorrow and loss Not to bring joy to my heart, My tender loving heart." This is by far my favorite lines. And again, you know why. What can I say? Viola's are the best, huh? In all seriousness, the contrasts between the violin and the viola symbolizing the feelings, and the love... that's amazing. A WONDERFUL idea that only a musician would think of The way you said "curse that sinful voice" was amazing.. I really like that line."The other instruments join in their leader’s sadness Like a hissing breeze joins a cold winter’s night. The cello joins with its mellow toned wail Filling the dissonance of the viola’s song in a glove of pure madness From its sinful cries of mercy from this aura despair And the violins no more with their happy tuned faces" These phrases get better and better as the poem goes on. I love where you say "in their leader's sadness" gives a very melancholy feel. The way you have this phrase... orchestrated, if you will, (liitle play on words ) is awesome. The cellos, and violas, and violins... hmm, I can almost hear the melody... so beautiful."But no with the bleeding tears of plucking from their troubled souls Much like mine my love. Oh is there an end to this pitiful state I am in To become deaf from me heartache’s song?" The whole theme of this poem.. using melodies, and instruments is genius... I loved the "bleeding tears" and the way you mentioned your heartache's song... VERY beautiful.. "For even God’s darkest nights End with streaming light A new beginning for my day. But when I remember you in my dreams My heartache’s song will play." AWESOME ending! Again, you use the melodies you were talking about as your heartache's song.. and it's almost mysterious throughout. This is the first time you mention this. I love that... Those last two lines are almost memorable. This poem is quite impressive, Brenton. I'm going to wrap this up before I make this any more of a DEATH long reply. But I must say... if this is your first real poem, then it is absolutely gorgeous. You have TONS of talent. VERY nicely done. I'll email you soon Much love  --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Sheesh.. After all that, I forgot to put this in my library.  My apologies! I'm leaving now, I PROMISE! --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
||
|
AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
Just a suggestion, but you might look into the "And rosy red roses blossom all over?" line. If roses are roses, they are already rosy, so why add the rosy infront of red? Did that make sense? Lol I'm not quite sure. Very long, but very good. Thanks for the read. ~ali~ ps-you are too a poet Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel. |
||
|
TunaKaHuna Junior Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 19United States |
Cherish- I was looking just the same as you once I read it through myself, I am blown how well I wrote this. I was filled with raw emotion, that was true, I just dont know what that emotion was...tehe. I now look like this --- to how much you liked it. Thanks.Fading Away- Thank you so much Marie for your comemnts. Your comments on my work was wonderful to see and read. I was surprised that (after reading it over and over) it was more powerful then when I wrote it. I am sure it wasnt a surprise to you how much music aspects were in there, I think it left me dreaming about the melody myself many times. I wanted this poem to mean something to me more then anything, and I think it did. Music and love go together so well. Music expresses the love we all give to one another, and this poem shows it to me. Maybe this was a first time "luck" that I could write something like this. I dont know, I'll try writing some more and see what people think about it.  AngelPoet- Thanks for your suggestion. I thought about what you said and here is why I did what i said about the "rosey red roses" The definition for "rosey" is "like a rose in color"...but it means more to be "bright, promising, cheerful"...and THATS the definition I meant it to be. Having the "love" in the poem seem promising, yet, as you read, it doesnt. Another side note it...roses as you know come in many colors...red,white,pink,yellow,blue...so I wanted everyone to know it was a true red...like the heart and blood in the body, just as it sympolizes love. Anyway...tehe On a funny side...I think I just wanted to make sure I wasnt the dumb one, and I needed the clearification for myself of what I was writing (a red rose). I dont know...love is too confusing, let alone writing about it too...  If you give a person a title, then you really dont have to know them...but, they may just be the person who can make you see how happy life can be. [This message has been edited by TunaKaHuna (edited 08-22-2001).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
