Tin Man (slightly more finished)

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mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

0 posted 2001-08-09 02:52 PM

I was sort of inspired by Jane Arden's song, "Insensitive" and this is what I came up with. I don't know if I should make a twist at the end or keep going with what I started. I think there's still something missing but I have no clue what it is. Help please? Thank you ahead of time.

How do you numb the skin
To keep from feeling a thing?
'How do you block the sound of a voice
You'd know anywhere?'
How do you stop your feet
From moving toward the last place you want to be?
How do you turn your eyes
From the look that can read your everything?

Oh Mr. Tin Man
Tell me how do you do it?
How do you turn away all emotions and feelings,
Just to be insensitive
To the world around you?
Oh how do you do it?
How do you just block it all out
And not give it second thought?
Please just teach me Mr. Tin Man
So I can be just like you
And not feel a thing.

How do you stop the heart
From falling in love?
How do you make the brain
Quit calling up memories?
'How do you cool your lips'
After a lover's kiss?
How do you stop the eyes
From crying the unbidden tears that flood from their boundaries?

Oh Mr. Tin Man
Tell me how do you do it?
How did you become an emotional void?
How did you hollow out your heart
To enjoy the feeling of apathy?
Oh how do you do it?
How do you sit back and watch everything pass you by
And not want to be a part of it all?
Please just teach me Mr. Tin Man
So I can be just like you
And not feel a thing.

[This message has been edited by mistic (edited 08-09-2001).]

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-08-09 03:20 PM

I felt that this is unfinished.

  It's a good poem but it requires more.
As for your question about the first thing, I think it should be "CAN you" and not "how do you."  I know it would be straying from the usual but I don't think it would hurt in this case.
I did enjoy this poem quite a bit, Mistic.  It's an interesting spin on an old song, but I prefer your more unique works personally.  This still entertained me, don't get me wrong.  It has your distinct magic about it.
Anticipating your next,
Yours,
~Allan

Blood Moon
Host: lark.crodo.com
Port: 1313

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.

2 posted 2001-08-09 03:45 PM

Well Allan my boyfriend ran off of with my other poetry book that has all of my older pieces in it so I posted a new one instead. I'll be sure to post a nice dark one just for you though next time ok? But thank you for the advice.

Life is an open book with many unwritten pages, write something that's meaningful to you there.

Delirious_Smurf
Member

since 2001-08-08

Posts 90
Nothingness,P.R.

3 posted 2001-08-09 05:56 PM

I thought it was very cool...I guess it does need a big ol ending but if you do leave it like that it's still cool.."How do you do it?" Leaving it there in mistery...cool cool

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-08-09 06:11 PM

Sounds good to me, hon.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-08-09 11:52 PM

Hura! I LOVE "Insensitive"...LOL I have tons of "inside jokes" with that song. HaHa. ANYWAY....As for the poem- I liked it alot, as well. I guess it COULD be added to, but I still like it as is. Very interesting.
"How do you stop the heart
From falling in love?
How do you make the brain
Quit calling up memories?"
Yes, HOW DO you do that? e-mail me if you ever get the answer. HeHe. Awesome write...Can't wait to see more.

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

6 posted 2001-08-09 11:53 PM

This was pretty cool, mistic. VERY creative spin on an awesome song. I really enjoyed this poem. I thought the ending was too abrupt, but other than that, I think the poem is fine the way it is. Nicely done... I absolutely loved the first stanza. That was by far my favorite one. I connected with this poem all the way... wonderful work.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

7 posted 2001-08-10 11:45 AM

Ah, here we are... I think you really did a wonderful job bringing this to a close. The last two lines are far more conclusive now.

Very nice work.
~Allan

Blood Moon
Host: lark.crodo.com
Port: 1313

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-09-03 02:42 AM

I enjoyed this one. Well done here. I liked the title a lot.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Jezziekaka
Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 58
where the trees touch the sky

9 posted 2001-09-05 07:50 PM

mistic~ Very romantic! I liked this alot!
Wow! I wish I was Mr. Tin Man!!

Jezzika

be dangerous, unpredictable, and make a lot of noise!

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