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Autumn...
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Autumn... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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Autumn. The chill draws nearer. You bring up the glass to your face And the creases appear on the mirror Which no iron could ever erase... Check out my poetry here: |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
to be honest, i got nothing out of it. it says absolutely nothing to me. ::shrugs:: /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Some elabortaion would definately add "oomph" to the poem. I think that using the chill of Autumn to start the poem was good to set the mood of the piece, but going a little more into the imagery more would emphasize it better. Same with the person you're talking about. I think the subject you were tapping into is a good one. Just needs a little extra. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
Sometimes leaving things to the reader is better imho |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
But there is a line between leaving things to the reader and simply not putting enough into the poem. Master: Here, I think you either need to go to a full on short poem or elaborate. I think if you cut this down to its bare minimums you could really have a good piece. Autumn. The chill draws nearer. {Why is the autumn needed there? I don't think it adds anything to the piece. So you could eliminate the autumn, and replace it with as.} You bring up the glass to your face And the creases appear on the mirror Which no iron could ever erase... {A problem I see here is that the autumn concept isn't brought into the rest of the poem. Some aspect of autumn needs to be used as a metaphor for the face, or something of that sort. Otherwise, I wonder why exactly autumn is related to the face.} Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Jen, thanks for your honesty. Can't please everyone all the time... but don't use this as the poem to judge my work by. If you get a chance, read "Separation" posted a few days ago. I'd like to know what you think. If i upset you with something I've said earlier, forgive me. DE, Thanks for your comments. I'll have to disagree with you though. As Kevin said, sometimes less is better and this is the kind of poem where too much imagery/description is not needed. Casey, again thanks for your honesty. To tell you the truth, I was struggling with that line for a while. I don't think that i have any room in the poem to make the comparison of Autumn to the face because I don't want to make the poem any longer. I do, however, think that Autumn, more or less, works as the opening for this poem. For one thing, it is a metaphor in itself. It is the season where the flowers whither, where the leaves dry and turn golden. Where everything ages and dies, just like the face in the mirror. I also like the way it sounds. The pause after "Autumn" sort of gives the poem a distinct quality. But I do see what you're saying and I'll see if i can do anything to improve it. Thanx Check out my poetry here: |
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