Teen Poetry #5 |
Distance |
allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Hey guys, It's been a while, can't see many names i recognise... i'll have to read all the newer members stuff... Sorry it's been so long... havent had the time to write and have had a major case of writer's block... Hope to be writting well (at least better) soon Seeya Allie Distance Distance is the challenge, The miles of darkness between us. You took the part of you I loved, Left a misty memory. Memory is the invader, Which taunts me with your kiss. You went with promises of return, Left without good-bye. |
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© Copyright 2002 Alex - All Rights Reserved | |||
punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
hey nice write thanks for sharin. |
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sillywilly Junior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 33oklahoma |
I am a new member so I haven't read any of your work but I enjoyed this poem. Memory sometimes kicks ya when you are down. =) Good job! |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Distance Distance is the challenge, The miles of darkness between us. You took the part of you I loved, Left a misty memory. {Okay I see some potential here, it's a little wordy, and I think you would really benefit from shying away from the four line stanza. Just a suggestion, but you use distance as the title so you could possibly eliminate it as the first word. This is just a suggested rewrite: The challenge is in the miles that lie between us. On your way you left a misty memory, taking the only part of you that I loved. You see how changing the line breaks adds emphasis to different things. And it makes it a more interesting read.} Memory is the invader, Which taunts me with your kiss. You went with promises of return, Left without good-bye. {Here's a suggested line break change: Memory invades me, tanting me with your kiss. (Perfect place to get adjective happy.) You left with a promise to return, left with no good-bye.} I really like this, it shows a lot of talent on your part. I hope my rewrites are taken as such. Different people see things differently. But I really believe that this could benefit from different line breaks. Good Job. Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
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Deep_Inside Member
since 2002-02-14
Posts 377i can't stop hiding |
i like the poem, short and sweet. i remember you i'm glad your posting agian. hope to see more |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Thanks for all the help! I liked the re-writes too. |
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