»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
....?/" - Without you -collb.w/JBaker515 "
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
....?/" - Without you -collb.w/JBaker515 " |
|
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this is my #3000. Jeff- this piece came from previous feelings and experiences...a lot has went into this piece from both of us...and it means a lot. Jeff- Oh, I'll be crying in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for me to believe... That I need you in my life, Hi, can you look into my eyes and tell me why, Why you and I can't possibly be, Can you stare into my soul and see inside? I know you need a reason to believe... I know you hate it, When I run and hide... And play games But I wasn't scared of you, I'm scared of me, When I look deep down inside of me That's why I'm scared...scared of me... Oh, I'll be dying in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for you to believe... That everything will be all right, Hi, can you help me understand who I am, I'm confused on what I'm suppose to do... To show my true feelings I have for you I believe that I was once called a man, Now I don't know if what they say is true, They tell me that men know what to do... But I'll have nothing if I don't have you, Oh, I'll be crying in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for me to believe... That I need you in my life, Oh, I'll be dying in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for you to believe... That everything will be all right alby- Hi, can you see my soul in pieces? Just by looking in my eyes Through the windows to my hearts desire I'm sitting right next to you Talking, while we smile at each other But, knowing I cant have you Not cause of you,but cause of me... When I look deep down inside of me Its cause of me,all cause of me... Oh, I'll be longing to be in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for you to believe... That you and me will be able to say...someday, - we - But without you, right now There's nothing but a shadow of me...crying, Not able to have you with me here, There's nothing but a fading away of me...dying, Oh, I'll be missing in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for me to believe... That I'll be, where you are...someday, - together - But, why...can't I fall in love? With the one I love... Hi, can you see me walking away, Watching you from behind, Not able to tell you...how much, I love you Oh, I'll be longing to be in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for you to believe... That you and me will be able to say...someday, - we - Oh, I'll be missing in your arms tonight, I'll be trying to find a reason for me to believe... That I'll be, where you are...someday, - together - Without you Jul.10 -collb- alby- i poured my heart in this piece...very emotional one for me...right now. this is my heart for you to see. and an "in-depth" reply would be much apprciated on this one. Thanks [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-12-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 ALBY - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Congratulations Alby, on 3000. You're gaining on me, bro.  This poem is pretty good. Not outstanding, but a good collaboration. I think it would have been better if it was more intertwined than it was one half and then the other half. Enough negativity, what I did like about this was the sentiment. The emotion and phrasing witheld in this poem are superb, I really love how it was done. One thing you guys did very right was putting it in italics, it suited the poem very well. There was rhyme here and there, scattered about. That was the gentle nudge necessary to keep this poem going. The repitition was also a good idea but I think it was done a bit too frequently.  There's my messy little critique on this poem. I'm glad to see you guys working together, just giving you a few pointers. Oh and I hope things work out between you two...  Yours, ~Allan of Riverwood Blood Moon |
||
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Great you guys, just awesome!! Congrats on 3000! Rhonda "Amy, can you PLEASE come to Spain with us so that we have someone to keep Rhonda calm?" - Mr. Ardiel *insert hysterical laughter from me here* |
||
|
Angelwings Member
since 1999-08-27
Posts 222IL, USA |
WOW! I don't even know where to begin. Well, first let me say thank you. Thank you for saying what I couldn't find the words to say. Isn't it wonderful when you write a poem and end up helping others!! Okay,enough about me, let's talk about the poem. You both work wonderfully together. The repetition, the italics, the word choice, the patterns. They were all awesome. I loved the fact that you kept a progression going with the story. "Crying, Dying, Longing" It truly captured my feelings and I'm grateful that you shared. Thanks and keep sharing! PLEASE Chez *that what does not kill us makes us stronger!* |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Not the best poem but it was awesome still. Wonderful collaboration between Albert, the king of simple deep poetry and Jeff, Pip's romantic. I really liked these lines "I'll be trying to find a reason for you to believe... That you and me will be able to say...someday, - we -"I thought they had a lot of impact. I liked the "Hi" thing you had going on there. Very nice done the both of you. I enjoyed this one.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Jeff, Albert... This was incredible writing. I'm deeply impressed. I loved each and every word of it. I disagree with Allan on one thing- I liked that it was half and half. That was the first thing I noticed (Asidefrom the italics) and loved. I couldn't see it any other way. Anyway- You guys really put your emotions on the line here. You expressed yourself amazingly. Not to mention the 2 of you work great together. I hope to see more from you 2. I truellly enjoyed the read. Into the library it goes. |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
WOW you guys. This has made me so sad.  Definitely one of your better emotional one Albertia and Jeff, still you pull on the heart strings. The meaning and the power behind what you wrote was so overwhelming despite the language in which is was written.Congratulations on the 3000 Albert. Can't wait for the next collab by you two. Well done. ~AF~ Never speak disrespectfully of Society. Only people who can't get into it do that. |
||
|
thedarkangel Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74~*~the cutest~*~ |
Wow.. this was an awesome piece of work! I think it would benefit more if you didn't just do it in halves, but I thought it was great anyway. laura ~*~ Be honest and don't follow fads and fashion. do what you do and do it well ~*~jon bon jovi~*~ |
||
|
mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
I personally thought this was an awesome piece. Both parts are very well done by the two of you. The repition set it off really nicely, however i think it could have tied together a bit better in the middle, even if it was only a few lines. The sentiment from both parts was put into the poem very nicely though. awesome job both of you |
||
punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
me can only say one word WOW! omg i cry everytime i read jeff's stuff but albert you made me cry to! this was an awesome piece. i just have one question how do you write poems with other ppl? robin  [This message has been edited by poeticgirl01 (edited 07-12-2001).] |
||
|
Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Great job you guys! This was obviously a very emotional piece, and I could tell that before I even read "alby's" footnote. You 2 should do this more often. *Amanda* |
||
|
Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
Guys...I thought this was just simply amazing...honestly it was beautiful...I felt alot of what you were saying and I am glad you two took the time to share this with us. I thought it was great...very emotion filled and just simply beautiful... Always, ~Nikki~ It takes only a minute to like someone, a hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget them. |
||
|
Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
You guys did really well together, this poem is great. Hope to see more. "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." |
||
|
Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was great. Im sorry im not able to give you the indepth reply. But I hope its alright that i just congratulater you both on a very well done poem. keep on sharing both of you Regina |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This was pretty good, although I think I've seen better from the both of you. I didn't particularly like the repitition... I thought the "I'll be crying in your arms tonight" was overused a little. I wasn't too fond of the sporadic rhyme scheme... it drifted in and out here and there. However, there are lots of things that are working for this piece. I liked the way you did half-and-half here. I thought it really showed the contrasts in writing... but it was a good contrast. It seems like you two really connected while writing this piece, because the emotions going on here are very deep. I can sense the desperation in both of the tones of the poem from both of you. Very sad, but enlightening somewhat as well. The emotions run together very nicely. Very nice work, you two. Like I said, the way you two seemed to connect was impressive. And congrats on 3,000, Alberta! *sniffle* Very proud! You're getting up there in the world, aren't you  Nicely done, the both of you. And this one's going back up to the top for more recognition. I enjoyed it --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
||
|
AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
speachless, once again |
||
|
Hill's_Chatabox Junior Member
since 2001-07-10
Posts 46USA |
Jeff and Albert, great job, well done, Wow, where do I begin. I loved the poem. I am in the same situtation, and even some of lines pointed me into a direction that I need to follow. and I thankyou for that. this was a good poem I liked it alot and once again I thankyou for the post. Hope to hear more from you two. ~Hill~ happiness ia a journey,not a destinaton, |
||
|
Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
You guys, that was so BEAUTIFUL!!!! It brought a tear to my eye. Oh my! When the two of you get together, it's just emotional overpower!  I felt I could understand what you two were talking about and I could relate to it. Keep it up!  Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by. |
||
|
DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
awww this almost made me cry. really hit home, man..i really really really liked this. Definetly putting it in my library. I'm kind of speechless, this was so good. And the fact that you totally poured your heart into it makes it 100x's better. Wow..thank you for letting us read this because I know its tough to leave yourself so open and vulnerable with certain poems. Keep posting *dq **You can't always trust the people you want to** |
||
|
chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Picky picky Allan... Two great poets and one wonderful poem...can life get any better? You guys really know how to put difficult expressions and emotions into words. You both are extremely talented.This piece is deep and is personal to both the writers and the reader. Not only is it deep, yet beautiful within the words you use, and the way you express your emotions. How could I have missed this one? (Oh, right...I was gone.) Although not your best, you still hold me in awe...I don't even think awe is a good enough word. Yeesh...dumb dictionary... I hope to see more (lots more ) from you both! I look up to you guys! -Hael Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
||
|
MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
This would be good but........ haha just kidding. Pretty good......and besides I'd have to like it to bump in front of one I just wrote eh?  If there's a such thing as a Genius, then I'm one. If there's no such thing then I don't care... ~John Lennon |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
