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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2001-12-10 08:23 AM

my heart is angst ridden --
a home for juvenile
delinquent
dressed in
stolen moments
of the past
times spent
not so long
while back

oh! then I wore a crown of
love

ah! that L word again
wondering if there is a copyright
and a time-constraint
for using that word
and maybe that's why
the crown
was lost in those
stolen moments

yesteday's caught up
in an image,
of a rose
that once was
in a colour
that was once painted
on petals with dewdrops

ah! a fool I've been
to live those dreams
where I was king
and ...

now I begin to understand
the heart
of the matter
when the nucleus
pulled more than it should have -
and in an uncontrollable fission
a chain reaction
a bomb dropped
exploding on the stem
of that flower

ah! the colour was of blood
covered by the drops of
sad foggy eyes
held by thorns
and I was wearing
that crown ...
(of sharp silence)

what a fool, I've been
misled by sweet joy
like saccharine
instead of sugar

timelessness
is built upon
that time machine
where the only thng
you can do is go back
to relive the pain,
but change nothing

"oh boy, there you have your share
now get back to your
corner
and count till five-hundred million
before asking for another bite at
this cake"

and I think I should be
feeling satisfied
for now,
because if I live
long enough
there is still
hope

after all
all that I've to do is count
till five-hundred million
to wear another
diadem

there is always
hope

....
hello, my dear friends, I used to come along here once in a while... this time I have been away from teen-poetry for a while... I am always glad to be here...

and thanks for coming by...

regards,
sudhir

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-12-10 08:59 AM

Hey Sudhir, what are you doing in here anyways?

  lol

Your poem... hmm... I enjoyed it quite a bit.  From a critic's point of view, here's what I have to say about it.

First stanza - I like how everything starts out, the first line is good and gives the reader a good mindset for the rest of the poem.  I think it should be "angst-ridden" rather than "angst ridden" though, but I could be wrong... (?)  Also I think you broke your lines a bit too short, you might want to make less line breaks in order to keep the thoughts more collected.

Second stanza, the two-liner... nothing to say about that one, it did its purpose...

Third stanza, heheh... I like that one, "wondering if there is a copywright" made me smile.  I have to stress the point about too many line breaks again, though.

Fourth stanza, I'm not sure if you repeated "once" on purpose or not... I don't think it does much more than sound a bit redundant.

The fifth, I really like a lot.  You say so much in such a little corner of the poem, and the ellipse at the end is superb.  This stanza is very effective.

Sixth stanza, "of that flower" caught my eye.  I don't like the sound of "that" in reference to the flower... just my opinion.

Seventh stanza - Another really good stanza.  Colour and covered sound good in synchronization, the use of the word Thorns so near to Crown brings images of the crucifixion of Christ to mind.  I don't know if you did that on purpose but either way, it's a great stanza.

Eighth - What can I say?  Saccharine instead of sugar... that was another really thought-poking sentiment that I loved.  Where do you come up with this stuff, eh?

Ninth - You use the word "that" again.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's just a technique you employed to give the narration a sense of immediacy?  "Timelessness" is an excellent opening word to this stanza, it is effective as it stands alone, the first line.  I'm in love with your description of the narrator's memory, his helplessness to change the past.  Outstanding description here.

Tenth stanza - The quote?  It was very interesting, caught me off guard.  I wasn't expecting a fatherly figure to enter the scene of the memory, with all the use of the term "love" earlier on.  I suppose I was expecting a romantic memory to play the role of the example.  However, I could be shallow and missing a really deep metaphor.  The cake could be a symbol of some sort?  I'm really unsure, once more.

Eleventh stanza, a ray of hope in the concept of longevity of life.  Maybe some ellipse would have set the thoughts apart better than a comma and line breaks, but that's up to you.

Twelvth, I sense some sarcasm in this stanza?  All I have to do is count to five-hundred billion... is the narrator putting his own hopes to rest here?

The last few lines are bitter, when you compare them to the preceding stanza.  I love how you took a thought so positive and made it sound despairing and sarcastic.

As a whole, your tone shifts in this poem are well set and the images are selected skillfully, but I don't think all of the line breaks are necessary in most of the places you put them.  That's just a minor critique however, I won't dwell on it, as I enjoyed this poem overall and would like to read more of your work.

Thanks for the read, Sudhir.  Until next time,
~Allan

"I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible."
~Vangelis

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

2 posted 2001-12-10 12:09 PM

Thank you Allan, for so much of your time. Your comments are much appreciated.

What am I doing here? well, I don't know... I guess, I am trying to make new friends... I don't know if I will succeed or not... let's see....

now for your comments... too many line-breaks... well that's true, that's me... always one too many line breaks... I just type and ENTER whenever I feel like, it seems

first line, now that I think if it, I wanted the first line as "my heart is angst, ridden --" wanting the reader to pause at angst and feel it, right away...

you are right the 'that' flower is stifling the read, slightly...

I am keeping the 'that' on the ninth though...

I think I can try to explaing the quotes. I can imagine a prophet asking the narrator to wait his chance or maybe the scientist behind the time machine, who says you can take a ride, but the next one is after 500 million others who will have taken their ride so. Definitely, some one who controls the scene, don't you think? The cake is just an opportunity. Maybe, I just came up with a high but reasonable number of single humans, looking for their soulmate. let's keep that concept slightly vague for some while

on the twelfth, the sarcasm is of the narrator, who is a bit disappointed and losing patience...

I have changed the thirteenth to round it off better... So here it is the complete one once, again... if you are around, I hope you like this one better... thanks for your comments... more later,

Regards,
Sudhir

my heart is angst, ridden --
a home for juvenile delinquent
dressed in stolen moments
of the past times spent
not so long while back

oh! then I wore a crown of
love

ah! that L word again
wondering if there is a copyright
and a time-constraint
for using that word and maybe
that's why the crown was lost
in those stolen moments

yesteday's caught up
in an image of a rose,
that once was
painted in colour,
on petals with dewdrops

ah! a fool I've been
to live those dreams
where I was king
and ...

now I begin
to understand the heart
of the matter
when the nucleus
pulled more than it should have -
and in an uncontrollable fission
a chain reaction
that ended when a bomb dropped
exploding on the stem
of the red flower

ah! the colour was of blood
covered by the drops of
sad foggy eyes
held by thorns
and I was wearing
that crown ...
(of sharp silence)

what a fool, I've been
misled by sweet joy
like saccharine
instead of sugar

timelessness
is built upon
that time machine
where the only step one
can take is to go back
and relive the pain,
but change nothing

"oh boy, there you have your share
now get back to your
corner
and count till five-hundred million
before asking for another bite at
this cake"

and I think I should be
feeling satisfied
for now...
because if I live long enough,
there is still
hope

after all
all that I've to do is count
till five-hundred million
to wear another
diadem

but, there is always
hope

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

3 posted 2001-12-10 12:43 PM

i think that the revised version is an improvement on an already beautiful poem, lengthening the lines made this flow a lot better. i particulary enjoyed the sentiments you expressed in this, they made me smile, and the wording you used was perfect. im glad you've decided to drop in again, i look forward to reading more of your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

4 posted 2001-12-11 07:52 AM

thank you very much, b~

and many regards to you,
sudhir

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

5 posted 2001-12-12 01:34 AM

Sudhir, wow. This is exceptional! It's great to see you stopping by in these parts.

The imagery that this piece holds is amazing. Although the first edition was marvellous, the second is outstanding. You have brought into teen a wonderful sense of tranquility. I applaud you for writing something with such a message behind it.

"timelessness
is built upon
that time machine
where the only step one
can take is to go back
and relive the pain,
but change nothing"

I love that. LOVE it. Thank you so much for coming in here to share this beauty with us. I hope to see more from you soon.

~AF~

"Always keep focus on your dreams because most often than not that's all you'll have." - Javier

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

6 posted 2001-12-12 08:48 AM

Thank you AF, very much...

I am glad to be here too in slivers of myself...

regards to you,
sudhir

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

7 posted 2001-12-24 06:14 PM

wow, i REALLY enjoyed this one...Glad to have you here with us as well! this poem was fully loaded with beautiful imagery and quite the symbolisms...hope you share more with us and stay around for the longer...Thanks for sharing.

Hey...#25437
What!
You in there?
Yea, im in here.
ok

Marshalzu