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Teen Poetry #5
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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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ForeverMyOwn Junior Member
since 2001-11-23
Posts 13Brighton, MI |
A fire burns, a shadow falls. A wolf returns, an eagle calls. But through my eyes, all i see. A worl of lies, leading to me. Evil, real evil, is the taking of a human life. Whether a man would be dying, even eventually… it doesn’t matter. If God does exist… this life, every |
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| © Copyright 2001 James Bicknell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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-Myriad- New Member
since 2001-11-24
Posts 6Canada |
A dark poem: quite short, but to the point. The rhyme scheme was done well, although simple. The only suggestions I have aren't major ones, so feel free to ignore me, as I too, am somewhat new to PIP: 1/ Punctuation and spelling are important to most poems. Punctuation helps the poem flow, and lets the reader make sense of it. Spelling is also a small factor that even I can have trouble with. *grumble* If these two are done correctly in a poem, the entire structure looks neater, and it will be easier to read and understand. Of course, there are exceptions... 2/ The last line was a bit off, flow-wise. Maybe you could try: "That leads to me" or something along those lines. Try playing around with it. Syllables and stresses are complex things to work with in a poem, but once you've mastered that concept, your poem will definately flow better. If you don't know what I mean, I'd be happy to explain. Just let me know. *smiles* Other than that, the poem was well done. Keep up the writing! -Myriad- Infinitum |
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ForeverMyOwn Junior Member
since 2001-11-23
Posts 13Brighton, MI |
thank you very much. i was thinking about something different for the end, but i guess i just didn't think enough. *chuckles* and for the spelling, my keyboard is acting up, so it isn't all my fault, but thanks again! -Jim Evil, real evil, is the taking of a human life. Whether a man would be dying, even eventually… it doesn’t matter. If God does exist… this life, every |
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DawnG 
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
Forever, This is indeed a deep, dark poem. I liked it though. Dawn |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
just hoping things do go your way soon thanks for sharing, keep em coming là où est mon amour? |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
The short lines in this really keep the flow of this good, sometimes keeping it simple is the best way to go. i think you have a good base if you wanted to do a little more with this. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
very well done. i liked this one bunches...keep writing poet.... |
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