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Teen Poetry #5
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paper thin (a work in progress)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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paper thin (a work in progress) |
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pharon Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 251alabama |
delicate wings stronger than you fly me away you'll feel the sting |
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| © Copyright 2001 maria g robinson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
I've always liked your work. Short and to the point. This one is good, but not my fave from you. otherwise, good poem. Keep it up. "This is cactus land!!!"-T.S.Eliot |
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the_rescue Member
since 2001-05-23
Posts 316Japan |
good stuff it confused me at first but I like it's simplicity it was really good. I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say |
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branden726 
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI |
Well it seems im always behind the_rescue and im always agreeing this is nice poem and yes it is sweet and to the point and if its in the working stages then well i cant wait to see the rest. All you other poets beware my true feelings and poetry are about to flare! |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work, I thought that this was something special and I like it how it is leaving a lot to the imagination... Zu |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I think it would be VERY interesting to see you make this into a senryu. That would be a challenge.. I like this so far. I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product. --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
I wish you had posted the entire poem, b/c I am really curious to where you are going w/ it. Sounds good so far! *Amanda* |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
delicate wings stronger than you fly me away you'll feel the sting For me this was wierd... nice words.. just where are you going with this.. Marie's idea of a senryu is a good idea.. try it! I bet it will come out nicely $ Jeff $ : ) |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Nicely written so far- Can't wait to see the finished product. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
enjoyed this one...less put into format though...then your previous ones..i guess the finish might suprise me. im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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pharon Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 251alabama |
thanx so much for all your encouragements and suggestions!! this is definitly still in progress and to be honest the only part of the poem i'm happy with is, "delicate wings/ stronger" i know it's a little out there, but oh well. the other day i was looking at a bumble bee and was just thinking about how amazing it is that there wings are so delicate and yet sooo strong...so hopefully i'll go somewhere with this poem, but until then.... mr oh yeah, marie, what is the type of poem your talking about? i'm always up for a challenge! |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
A senryu or haiku... A haiku is a poetic form that is a 3 line poem with a structured format depending on syllable count. Usually a haiku is written in three lines. The 3-lined haiku has the syllable count of 5-7-5 syllables in 1st-2nd-3d lines. For example: moving in the sun the pony takes in with him some mountain shadow The first line and last line have 5 syllables while the middle line has 7. Another suggestion in this poem, is you could try a tanka. A tanka uses 5 lines and has the syllable count of 5-7-5-7-7. For example: "She asked me one day What are you reading these days? Every night I read One page of the book of dreams Then I go to bed for more" --Turki Amer There ya go... try to rewrite this poem in one of these forms. It's a challenge, but it ll be neat to see what you come up with  --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 07-06-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Ok you know I am a fan of your work Pharon. This was very deep for me.....not simple at all. What I got from it, and even though I read you were looking at a bumble bee and voila...well anyway, what I got from it was that you have delicate wings that are so fragile, yet they are stronger than this person you're talking to. The wings will fly you away from that person and the person will feel the sting of lonliness. Maybe SHE/HE was the one that made your wings weak, but regardless of any of that they are stronger than that other person and you'll fly off and they'll be the one to suffer in the end. Well that's my interpretation.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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pharon Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 251alabama |
marie -- ok, i feel stupid for not knowing what you were talking about...i should have known that! but anyway, i will definitly try to rewrite the poem...i think i'll try both types and we'll see which comes out best! dopey -- your interpretation was very right! while i was looking at the bee and was so amazed by the strength of those 'paper thin' wings, i started thinking of the strength behind something so delicate..and relayed it to a lot of situations i've been in and how much i've wanted to just be able to find the strength to 'fly away' and let people feel the sting of lonliness...so this poem definintly has a double meaning. i am talking about the wonder of the strength in a bee...but also about the strength of the soul. (eek..i'm sounding too deep even for me!) alright...well, i'm going to go work on this now and see what i can come up with! hopefully you guys won't loose interest in this and forget about it. mr |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Very intruiging and interesting post. Thanks for sharing. hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Alright well this is a bump to say..... I'm so very happy that my interpretation hit the spot....and for others to get a peek at this amazing piece by one of my most fav poets on this site. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
i have to admit i didn't really like this poem until i read dopey's interpretation... then i went and re-read the poem and it made perfect sense to me! *L* and now i love it! hahaha great job! can't wait to see the re-writes! Valerie "...And i want to take you down, but your soul could not be found, doesn't matter much you see cause your disease is killing me..." -Saliva |
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