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Jose Marti
Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 374
washing DC

0 posted 2001-07-04 11:54 PM

so alone
no where to go
without that pecious drug
that manifests istelf
as a set of wheels
friends are so distant

lovers…
ever farther from me.

life…
a ghost of what it once was

and nothing ever gets done
and existence drags on

a new day dawns
and still stuck in the same trap
and nithing has changed

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

1 posted 2001-07-05 01:04 AM

Interesting write, Jose.
I enjoyed it.
Keep posting.

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

2 posted 2001-07-05 10:21 AM

Interesting but needs more work/more heart. keep working on it.

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

3 posted 2001-07-05 11:54 AM

I agree. But its a very good start. Don't hold back on us!

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-07-05 11:54 AM

I COMPLETELY disagree with Branden. THis poem is excellent... i LOVED the first stanza. Very nicely done! I'm impressed. Nice work. I haven't seen much from you here, so I hope to read more soon. Keep sharing all of your work with us.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

JBaker515

Member

since 2001-02-28

Posts 458
Dartmouth College

5 posted 2001-07-05 11:56 AM

i agree with branden and marie..so its up in the air i guess
i liked it though!!
nice work!

$ Jeff $ : )

"If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer!"

"You may take our lives, but you'll never take our FREEDOM!

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-07-06 02:10 AM

the whole poem i can relate...but i liked the first stanza very much...this was quite the emotional poem...enjoyed it a lot.

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-06-2001).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

7 posted 2001-07-07 04:02 PM

Very powerful stuff! I really liked this one. The ending was superb. I thought you wrote this one nicely. The beginning was a bit weak, for me, but as I kept on going it got better.....well done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Jose Marti
Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 374
washing DC

8 posted 2001-07-09 12:21 PM

thanks guy
I really coun't think of what to write
because the emotional drain that I feel is
difficult to express in so few words
thanx

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

9 posted 2001-07-10 03:18 AM

Your words in here are well used and placed in really great sentences. However, maybe if you change the format around a bit and actually make it a little more structured, it would be really powerful. Just a thought.

~AF~

Never speak disrespectfully of Society. Only people who can't get into it do that.
~ Oscar Wilde ~

Jose Marti
Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 374
washing DC

10 posted 2001-07-10 12:22 PM

ok, how would you like my poem to be stuctured,
Im willing to change it a little
i mean no one is perfect

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

11 posted 2001-07-19 10:46 PM

I love it. This is really excellent. *applauds*
I do hope to see more
I love your style of writing

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

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