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Teen Poetry #5
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Knives
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Knives |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
From the bed of coals, Lifts it high, pulls it back, Lets it go, lets it fly. It catches me in the arm, Burns its way inside, Staples me to the wall, A sting for each tear I cried. He picks up a second knife From a pail of ice, Lifts it high, flicks it forth, Watch it go, watch it fly. It slams its way into my leg, Chilling to the bone, A cry of pain escapes my lips Which fades into a groan. He picks up another knife This one laced with words, Lifts it high, lances down, Listen to each cut’s cry. Each cut brings another tear, Salty to the taste, Another scar to cover up, Another tear to waste. He picks up a final knife, And gives an evil sneer, Lifts it high, drives it home, Watch me bleed, watch me die. This one cuts into my heart, Tearing to the core, A final tear rolls down my cheek, And splashes on the floor. ---------------------------- Heh....enjoy... -Adam "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggy' while you search for a rock." - Will Rogers |
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| © Copyright 2001 Adam Kamerer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
OH WOW!!!!!!! adam this is just so awesome!..wowowowoowowoww!!!!...the knife in fire then the one in ice then the one made by words then the normal one...oh man this is so so so so awesome! library piece most definately! way to go jane!...loved the format and flow and everything...great job on this one buddy!  see the glass crack like a flower opening |
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mistic Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233Idaho, U.S.A. |
awesome... deep.. and dark Life is an open book with many unwritten pages, write something that's meaningful to you there. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i really like it, the emotion is great. good vocabulary, etc. but one question. are you rhyming or what? i'm sorry, it's a big pet peeve of mine when people switch back and forth between rhyming, and not. i mean, it's a great poem, but when it's not clear cut like that, it doesn't do the piece justice and just makes it look sloppy. sorry to sound so harsh, but you checked off that you wanted constructive critiques, and well, here's one. i do enjoy the poem though. thanks for the read. - jen so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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Zukene_Chic Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 152Cali |
niiiice. I like it alot |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
"Each cut brings another tear, Salty to the taste, Another scar to cover up, Another tear to waste." ---------------------------- "This one cuts into my heart, Tearing to the core, A final tear rolls down my cheek, And splashes on the floor." LOVED it!...awesome imagery esp the last line, freezes ths moment while ths reader pictures it...wOW. =) |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
I was kind of playing around with rhyme schemes on this one. In all the odd stanzas (the ones talking about him picking up a knife), there's a rhyme between the words "Lifts it high", and whatever the last word in that sentence is. All the even stanzas have a rhyme between the 2nd and 4th line. I personally like the way it turned out with the alternating rhyme schemes. -Adam "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggy' while you search for a rock." - Will Rogers |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Its a lil too early for me to be reading stuff like this!!! Jeez this was so good!!! Dark hehe i liked it!ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
Dark and deep, but what a lines you penned here. great expression! Charisma |
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AngelPoet87 Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280Indy |
...*can't even say wow*... |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is a very powerful piece that is written beautifully both from a technical point of view as well as an emotional one. You've done a perfect job making use of the symbolic instrument of the knife. I salute you and add this piece to my library! "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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