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VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2001-06-15 09:43 AM

May I elicit your opinions...which of these works best?

Late Spring Morn
Virginia Salter

chill air seeps in through the doorway
refreshing, awakening, and yet
it grabs the ankles, calves and back
pricking hairs in attempt to shield

iciness travels, spreads, deepens
striving to drain all warmth from within
forcing it out through pores in skin
a super-powered vacuum
sucking sustenance surreptitiously

calling me to give in
rise, seeking shelter
neath a heavy covering
of warm wool or down
awaiting the rise of summer
to reach the day

even knowing the warmth
will come to too much greatness
opposite goal will then overtake me
desiring to even peel off my skin
for just a moment of refreshing thin

© June 16, 2000

Late Spring Morn (rewrite)
Virginia Salter

chill air seeps in
refreshing, awakening
grabbing ankles, calves, back
pricking hairs attempting shield

iciness travels, spreads, deepens
draining warmth from within
forcing out pores
super-powered vacuum
sucking sustenance, surreptitiously

calling
rise, seek shelter
neath heavy covering
warm wool, down
awaiting summer's rise
to day

knowing warmth
will come too greatly
antithesis overtaking
desiring to peel skin
for a moment of refreshing thin

© June 16, 2000

[This message has been edited by VAS (edited 06-15-2001).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2001-06-15 09:54 AM

Nice images and perspective VAS... good work here..

BloomingRose
Member Elite

since 2000-08-09

Posts 3092
Florida

2 posted 2001-06-15 10:29 AM

Hi,
Both are GOOD, but I like the rewrite best. The flows a bit better.

BloomingRose/Deb

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2001-06-15 10:31 AM

The second one grabs me and keeps my attention....

sodpossom
Senior Member

since 2001-06-15

Posts 723
N.C

4 posted 2001-06-15 11:02 AM

I like them both but I would go with the second one!Nice job!

Poeminister
Senior Member

since 2000-02-26

Posts 1862
Regina SK; Canada

5 posted 2001-06-15 12:01 PM

I like the re-write its more terse and effectively written. But they're both well done. Enjoyed.

Poeminister

[This message has been edited by Poeminister (edited 06-15-2001).]

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