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Open Poetry #13
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a repost "A Memory of Forgotten Dreams" sorry writer's block
| Open Poetry #13 |
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a repost "A Memory of Forgotten Dreams" sorry writer's block |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I needed to share something, and I've been in this constant flow of writer's block  I posted this in the forum I moderate, and now I'm reposting it here. Hope you people enjoy. And yes Nan, Sharon, Dark Angel, and the others who's read it, you can reply again  A Memory of Forgotten Dreams Angelic voice thru silence of melancholy nights Oh virgin silhouette floating on gentle breeze A sight..... Yes..... a sight that in brilliance of skies lit blue And pearls that shine..... thus greet all with subtle delight Reddened lips surrounded of passion’s untold Magnificent crown’s lost in waves of seas An essence... aromatic wonder of redolent garden blossoms What lustrous..... timeless..... flawless sheath of silk and gold These are images carved on this, a lover’s theme Still cold to your touch of sweet caress So again..... I trance wistfully into this, a gentle slumber For you my love..... are nothing but..... “a memory of forgotten dreams” "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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| © Copyright 2001 acire - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Oh so beautiful, thank you for re-posting this, it a gem, into my library this goes~ "That which makes you sad, is happiness in disguise, once made you happy" Terry Rowe Take care, Melissa~ |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is one of your best..I sure hope the block is dissolved soon so you can write more. |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
really beautful acire i am so glad you came to open with this one o yuh |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
OMG!  I don't think I've ever seen you over here!  How wonderful to have this exsquisite poem here in Open!  I felt every word. still d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t-e-d |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I, for one, am glad you saw fit to post this in open...what a treat! |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Thanks all "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
PS, I thought I'd better search out some of your poetry.. =} This is lovely acire.. you know, I really like memories.. sounds like you have some special ones, that you are right in remembering, after the reality has gone.. this is a special poem.. written so.. I don't know, so WELL! ^^ Enjoyed muchly. -Lynne "He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." Lao-tsu |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Wonderful Acire! You have such lovely phrasing in this piece, truly a beautiful melodic flow, very nicely written my friend! Best wishes, /Kit |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Acies..I haven't forgotten!! Lol...lets see...I'll do some now, and see how I go for time k? quote: again - think you need to have 'through'. I have a suggestion that will change the whole tone of your poem...how about adding an 'An' at the start, and also a 'the' between through and silence? That you make the sentence a whole one - it sharpens it up a little, and follow through with that through the poem. Warning - this WILL look radically different at the end, but hey - you asked...it's your OWN fault haha. quote: technically, that should be 'O,' - but that's just a fine-tuned point... now - what exactly is a virgin silhouette? This is a confusing image...how does a silhouette - virgin or not - float on a breeze? Plus - floating is a cliche - maybe there is a better word, more original? quote: Okies...reading this, I can't find it making grammatical sense...read it again....it seems to be saying that the sight is greeting all with subtle delight. In fact it HAS to be because you have 'a sigh that' - the that makes it necessary for a linkage sentence to follow. If that is true I think it needs to be 'greets' rather than greet. I think the 'thus' is totally unnecessary also. Adds an old fashioned element, overburdens the line... You have two 'thats' in this stanza. That, at its best, is an inelegant word. I'd delete one of them. Maybe change 'pearl that shines' into 'shining pearl' Finally, in this section I am not sure at all about your five dots at the end of the line. They're almost too much... quote: should surrounded of be 'surrounded by' by? I am not sure you can be surrounded of by anything. It seems you are using the five dots in place of linkage words like 'and' in the first half of this, and then for pauses in the second half..again, it's perhaps too much. You have some wonderful imagery here and it's a shame to see it overburdened. Try and simplify so the imagery can stand out a little more...I'll show you what I mean at the end. Right...what crowns are lost exactly? And you have an apostrophe: crown's - but they aren't in ownership of anything, same with passion's - it doesn't own the untold...AND, 'waves of seas'? How many seas are there? Waves of sea I think. I would drop the plural of blossoms and make it blossom - sounds tighter. Also take out redolent maybe. Now, you have three adjectives in a row. 'lustrous timeless flawless' - far too much for a poem that already has words like magnificent and brilliance and angelic and melancholy and redolent - all in a relatively short piece. Plus, the 'what' at the start of the line is actually a beginning of a question...though in this sense I think you are using it to add to the romantic flavour yes? Kill two of them. Seriously. You won't lose the flavour - the flavour will get lost in the all the words. quote: The first two lines are FANTASTIC...really great Acies. MAYBE you could change 'these are images' to 'these images are'...avoiding inversion...ok now I have a small problem with this: Still cold to your touch of sweet caress have you heard of tautology? It's saying the same thing twice. In this instance, touch and sweet caress are the same. A touch is a caress and a caress is a touch - see what I mean? So for the meantime I'd suggest dropping it to 'still cold to your sweet caress' - a simple and clear image. One more instance of tautology above this: 'gentle breeze' A breeze is a gentle wind. We already know it's gentle - don't need to be told it no matter how nice it sounds...overuse of the language Lecturer K lol...Now...why do you have the last line in inverted commas? To make it stand out? It is a little distracting. The inverted commas serve specific functions in the english language, like quotes, or naming a title in a reference - not really a poetic tool. How about just separating the line from the rest of the piece if you want it to stand out? And it is a nice last line too. Put together my modifications would look like this: (don't cringe lol) An angelic voice through the silence of melancholy night, O, virgin silhouette floating on the breeze, (though I question this line anyway) A sight, yes, a sight that in brilliance of skies lit blue and shining pearl greets all with subtle delight Reddened lips surrounded by passions untold and magnificent crowns lost in waves of sea, an essence, aromatic wonder of garden blossom, a lustrous/timeless/flawless (take your pick) sheath of silk and gold These are images carved on this, a lover’s theme Still cold to your sweet caress, so again I trance wistfully into this, a gentle slumber for you, my love, are nothing but a memory of forgotten dreams *** I touched up your punctuation and capitals at the start of the lines too - but omitted periods...they can be too finite in a poem sometime... phew...that was tough lol..tell me what you think k?  KAll obscurity starts with a danger: Your dangers are many. I Cannot look much but your form suffers Some strange injury Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-01-2001).] |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Thanks Kamie --- That's why I've been asking for your help "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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