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Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

0 posted 2001-03-22 05:41 PM

Wavering

favoring a word
savoring every line
I heard
whispered from
your lips
like delightful
fingertips
weaving along
my back
leaving little
messages on skin
making me so
like the skin
I’m in

wavering ~
catering to the
whys of you
and lingering in
the I love you’s
and wondering
if ever we two
will waver
in this
feel

unreal

waver in
and out with me
and float upon
this lovely sea
of liquid love
that bears
us two
with the ins
and outs
of the
I love yous

and

waver me
away

Just A Woman
Senior Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 507

1 posted 2001-03-22 05:51 PM

Ah, beautiful. You have captured the emotion, Lady In White!

"When people show you who they are, believe them"

~Maya Angelou~

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2001-03-22 07:18 PM

this is gorgeous, I like this very much!

SEA

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2001-03-23 08:05 AM

this is lovely...really nice...

I used the line 'liquid love' I remember once...it has a nice ring lol

I have a couple of suggestions about how you could tighten it up a little:

leaving little
messages on skin
making me so
like the skin
I’m in

this is really nice - I just think the 'little' unnecessary and would work better as 'leaving messages'

wavering ~
catering to the
whys of you
and lingering in
the I love you’s
and wondering
if ever we two
will waver
in this
feel

This is probably my favourite section...it's wonderful

waver in
and out with me
and float upon
this lovely sea

And I think this tends to get a little cliched with the floating and the upon...and even the lovely sea...

just a little bit more originality would add even more sparkle to this piece...

thanks for the opportunity to critique...

K

PoeticKnight
Senior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 1144
New Orleans, LA

4 posted 2001-03-23 09:42 AM

favoring a word
savoring every line
I heard
whispered from
your lips
like delightful
fingertips
weaving along
my back
leaving little
messages on skin
making me so
like the skin
I’m in

Now that is sensual writing to me. Leaving little messages on skin...very nice my "Lady".

Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

5 posted 2001-03-23 11:10 AM

Thank you all for reading, and for your comments....

and Severn, you have a very good eye, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

6 posted 2001-03-23 11:43 AM

Your free verse is smiling at me!

Kathleen Blake

"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass,
and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

7 posted 2001-03-23 01:03 PM

ahh. . . I like this one Lady. . . it flows very well. . . like water over the skin. . .

excellent. . .

----------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

8 posted 2001-04-07 08:36 AM

Irish Rose, Sven, thank you both for wavering along with me.

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