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Dark Poetry #3
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Sorrow
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Sorrow |
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WinterTalon Member
since 2001-01-14
Posts 141Brooksville, KY, USA |
Searching for the love I lost Over years of pain. Reaching out, I pay the cost, Reviving love again. Oh, the sorrow, tempest-tossed Willingly I gain? Here's another one of these... thingies... Sorry, I love poetry but I honestly couldn't tell you what kind this is. As my other one, Despairs, didn't receive much criticism, constructive or otherwise, I doubt this one will either. But, hey... it could happen, right? ~The hardest thing is watching the one you love... love someone else.~ |
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Ginners Member
since 2000-07-22
Posts 339Mullica Hill, New Jersey |
i remember these from grade school, but with words like Christmas, or my name. i always thought they were fun. and i always understood them to be about the word spelled down the side. and if i am right then i think you did a good job and portrayed sorrow well |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
They're called acrostics, and always spell something down the side. I have done exactly two - they were challenging. Especially when making the sentences run into each other...it can be a difficult form of poetry to write... Also - I notice you said your last one didn't receive many comments, constructive or otherwise. Two things - don't worry about the amount - Dark is slower than forums such as Open or the Pub, I think the average reply amount here for each poem is probably between 4-6, and that's only an average. Secondly - criticism is a strange thing in passions. It's usually only given in Critical Analysis - generally the other forums are for commenting only on how a person felt about a poem. However, if you actually want criticism on a piece in one of the other forums the best thing to do is put 'constructive criticism welcome' in brackets next to the title. That won't guarantee you get any however lol. My constructive criticism today lol is this: It might be a plan to remove the bold type of the word - maybe add that it is an acrostic above it so people know what to look for... I would also not initial capital the second, fourth and sixth lines. That way the lines that start after a period have initial capitals, while the others flow on like a sentence. Also - I'd remove 'out' from 'reaching out' The line: 'Oh, the sorrow, tempest-tossed' is just simply beautiful. Reasons for all that - Not bolding the letters adds subtlety - which is important for flow. As is not having capitals at the start of every line. In such a short poem, flow is absolutely essential I think. Also - by not having initial capitals in every line, the sentence flow is emphasised - illustrating effective use within the acrostic form. To me, removing the 'out' from 'reaching out' adds a slightly new take on the image - a little more poetic - the length of the syllables on that line fits nicely with the other lines also - adding more to that vital flow. All in all my suggestions would look like this: Searching for the love I lost over years of pain. Reaching, I pay the cost, reviving love again. Oh, the sorrow, tempest-tossed willingly I gain? So, please tell me what you think of these suggestions, and thanks for posting this lovely little poem - also for being brave enough to want criticism - it can be teeth-gritting at times...I know - I go to CA quite a lot - ack...scary place sometimes.  K < !signature--> Strokes of ink, words, dreams like Waking mountains make intimate conversations With my shadow From 'Words in the Night' by Jeff Geddes [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 01-17-2001).] |
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WinterTalon Member
since 2001-01-14
Posts 141Brooksville, KY, USA |
Severn, Thanx for the critique. You're wrong, tho. Even in CA I only got one criticism. Sad, that, as I could critique it more and much more quickly without Passions. But the rest of the forums generally generate SOME reply. I like my "reaching out". Prolly 'cause I know how it should flow in my mind and sometimes it isn't evident to the reader. The part about not bolding the word was genius... but I'm the slow type that sometimes needs it pointed out to me. And as to capitalizing... well, I live in a little hick town. I was told to capitalize the first letter in EVERY line... and I just can't seem to break that habbit. Thanks so much for the criticism. It's definitely appreciated. ~The hardest thing is watching the one you love... love someone else.~ |
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