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Jazzmole
Junior Member

since 2001-02-15

Posts 30
Texas

0 posted 2001-02-23 11:41 AM

There is a sewer running under your feet:
Flowing from the bowels of this town,
oozing from the intestines of this country,
seeping out of the colon of this earth,
spilling into the river of decadence
and filling the very sea of immorality
into which we cast our nets.

We wipe the ass of depravity,
flush our conscience
of all trangressions against humanity;
and mask the stench
with pine-scented justification.

Surfeitious blood spurts
from insatiable veins
as we choke dirty syringes,
tainted with jealousy, infidelity
and talk shows,
into the man-hole of society.

Washed away, our sludge beckons us
to the shore of Ocean Perverse.
We return,
as a dog to his vomit,
to drink our fill
of just reward.

Michael~

[This message has been edited by Jazzmole (edited 02-23-2001).]

Jazzmole
Junior Member

since 2001-02-15

Posts 30
Texas

1 posted 2001-02-23 11:44 AM

Ready for your red pen, Severn.
Oh, by the way, how do you like my ass?

Michael~

[This message has been edited by Jazzmole (edited 02-23-2001).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2001-02-25 09:32 PM

LOL!

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Critiquing will come one day - remind me sometime ok...

K

...and I have found a lifetime can be lived in one moment...

mystic requiem
Member

since 2001-01-26

Posts 144

3 posted 2001-02-26 12:40 PM

You are screaming for someone to challenge you.
But instead, I concur with you on the subject.
However, your adjectives leave much to be desired.
mYsTiC

Isis
Member Ascendant

since 1999-09-06

Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland

4 posted 2001-02-27 06:45 PM

Well sorry no critique here today at least..
I just want to say this is a brilliant depiction of the senseless machine of life that man has created for himself...
I have to applaud you hon!!
Isis

*War produces one thing - Cemetaries. And in cemetaries there are no enemies!*
~Isis~~Sovereign of the Spirit.

ma miller
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 806

5 posted 2001-02-28 09:12 AM

good imagery here, but little substance ... i was looking for a cause to it all, which of course, is the age old question ... good read.

Jazzmole
Junior Member

since 2001-02-15

Posts 30
Texas

6 posted 2001-02-28 11:28 AM

Ma-
Well, according to Douglas Adams,(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) the answer is 42. Does that help?

Michael~

[This message has been edited by Jazzmole (edited 02-28-2001).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

7 posted 2001-03-02 10:35 PM

You really want the red pen?
You're sure?
Positive?

heh...

shrug - guess you're going to get it...

more hehs (of course you are free to ignore me at all times LOLLOL) Actually - I see a lot of potential in this piece, yet there is something that doesn't quite click with the whole thing. It needs to be pulled tighter...flow more...and use a little more originality WHILE cutting down on the heavy imagery. Phew...so - I've gone through and outlined a few things that stuck out to me.

quote:
There is a sewer running under your feet:
Flowing from the bowels of this town,
oozing from the intestines of this country,
seeping out of the colon of this earth,
spilling into the river of decadence
and filling the very sea of immorality
into which we cast our nets.

We wipe the ass of depravity,
flush our conscience
of all trangressions against humanity;
and mask the stench
with pine-scented justification.

Surfeitious blood spurts
from insatiable veins
as we choke dirty syringes,
tainted with jealousy, infidelity
and talk shows,
into the man-hole of society.

Washed away, our sludge beckons us
to the shore of Ocean Perverse.
We return,
as a dog to his vomit,
to drink our fill
of just reward.

Hokay

This is obviously a poem heavy with similes and metaphors - in fact, I wonder if it is not TOO heavy with rhetorical technique?

'There is a sewer running under your feet:
Flowing from the bowels of this town,
oozing from the intestines of this country,
seeping out of the colon of this earth,
spilling into the river of decadence
and filling the very sea of immorality
into which we cast our nets. '

Ok - several problems surface here IMO.

The first problem I see is the mix of metaphor and also the extended metaphor here...

I remember last year someone told me a poem of mine featured too much of an 'extended' metaphor - this someone being the editor of a most prominent literary magazine. Somehow, that has always stuck in my head and I am wary of such things...wary to the point where I believe if you are going to make a poem feature an extended metaphor then it should be done in a subtle manner - and also watch the mixing of metaphors. I guess it influences me - you know how something can just stick with you? So, I see poems featuring extended metaphors and I go 'argh - extended metaphor gack...'

So, here, you start off with metaphors of the body - ie, colon, intestine and suddenly there is a 'sea of immorality' - which not only doesn't run with the current metaphor but is utterly cliched as well. K doesn't like cliches. Heh. But all of the body references: TOO MUCH. They are too much...too forced.

and filling the very sea of immorality
into which we cast our nets.

this somehow to me has a biblical feel - was that the intent?

Now - what's up with the 'your' of the first line? That one 'your' is usurped with 'our' and 'we' throughout the rest of the poem - consistency Jazz, consistency!!

Aside from the metaphor thingees - there is the repetition...ahhhhhhh...repetition. A yucky yucky technique - yucky in that it is such a PAIN to get right.

firstly

there is the rep. of this town/this country etc. Frankly, I don't like it. Do you think I can tell you why? Nope lol.

I have not the faintest idea why I don't but there it is. I think it is overburdening. Too heavy - does that make sense? I cannot offer any suggestions for improvement...but will think on them.

Secondly

too many 'ings'

I would think that to get flow into your first section you could mix up the adjectives:

have something like:

A sewer runs under our feet:
It flows from the bowels of this town,
oozing from the intestines of this country.
It seeps out of the colon of this earth,
spilling into the river of decadence
and fills the very sea of immorality
into which we cast our nets.

Just an example of how I would change it - yet, considering the bowels and intestines and colon are overburdening anyway I would think on rewriting this entire verse. (You did say brutal right? weak lol)

We wipe the ass of depravity,
flush our conscience
of all trangressions against humanity;
and mask the stench
with pine-scented justification.

the semi-colon is incorrectly used here. In order to be correct it could perhaps read:

we mask the stench
with pine-scented justification.

Anywho it needs to be a complete sentence. A sentence beginning with 'and' is incorrect.

why the pine-scented? Is there some significance there? It seems incongruous, though it does sound good.

I also think the first line sounds better as

We wipe depravity's ass,
flush our conscience
of all trangressions against humanity;
we mask the stench
with pine-scented justification.

whaddya think of that? It reads more tightly.

Surfeitious blood spurts
from insatiable veins
as we choke dirty syringes,
tainted with jealousy, infidelity
and talk shows,
into the man-hole of society.

Should that be 'choke on' dirty syringes?

Also - dirty is too plain as an adjective here - there is nothing poetic about dirty syringes..nothing new, nothing original.

tainted with jealousy, infidelity
and talk shows,
into the man-hole of society.

But I love these lines - they are really great.

BUT - how does blood spurt into the man-hole of society? The image doesn't quite wash for me...although I like the lines.

Washed away, our sludge beckons us
to the shore of Ocean Perverse.
We return,
as a dog to his vomit,
to drink our fill
of just reward

EEEEEEEEWEEEEEEEE - what an image! Quite a good one actually. To tighten it up I'd suggest this:

Washed out, sludge beckons us
to a shore of ocean perverse.
We return,
as a dog to vomit,
to drink our just reward

However, I really don't like the Ocean perverse line...shrug - I know it fits with the sea of immorality but then I suggested rewriting that anyway.

(You know I feel rather like Ezra Pound with his hands on Eliot's manuscript of The Wasteland heh)

But there you go - my dose of brutality. This has the potential but it needs a lot of work to really "make" it - IMO.

Thanks for the opportunity to critique you...feel free to return it lol - brutally or no - whenever I actually bother to post anything hahahaa.

Cheers

K

...and I have found a lifetime can be lived in one moment...

[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-02-2001).]

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