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Dark Poetry #3
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I NEED ADVICE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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I NEED ADVICE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
"another fight" You continue screaming You won¡¦t stop crying Why are you doing this? What did I do? Miserable, dejected Lost in these emotions Bruises mar my skin I remain confused Why don¡¦t you leave? Why won¡¦t you listen? Is safety too much to ask? Respect is all I want Instead, you beat me You refuse to listen I beg for your mercy As nothing gets to you This pain never ceases You won¡¦t calm down My ears bleed to your voice Are you deaf to me? These scars bleed inside You never notice my love You push me away from you Are you scared of me? My tears make you smile I miss your sweet laughter Your sadistic pleasure What happened to us? In the heat of the moment A fight rages fiercely I sit, sobbing in fear I know you never listen You push me down The stairs rush up My soul is now free I wonder why I pushed you. ---------------------------------------------------- In case you're confused, in order to understand this piece take lines one and three as the abusee, and lines two and four as the abuser. Tried to be a little more creative. Anyway, I was hoping that someone would give me a few suggestions as to what I could do to make the lines flow more smoothly. Thanks!! Ja. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
DeG, I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but less really is more. Especially in a form as quick and deadly as poetry. So... I'll start by saying, the poem is this stanza, here: quote: That stanza is so creepy, so layered, so complex, you could write books off the feelings. quote: Power comes with brevity. Less words make it seem like there's less to process, when really, you can layer whole worlds into a few simple lines. Those lines that do not help the world-building? Excise them. For example, the first stanza does set a mood. But already, I'm wondering what "this" is? Vague. quote: Again. "These" emotions. What are these? And do bruises mar, or do they colour, or do they shade, or do they tinge? Word choice is important. Again, this is great stage-setting, but it feels as though it's missing your insight into the matter. It feels detached. quote: But, you see, respect isn't all she wants. She wants him to leave. She wants him to listen. I like that -- work with that, more confusion. But if she just wanted respect, she wouldn't plead for safety, too. quote: These lines are so blunt, I question whether you should use them. It's just going to well up emotions in people that have have not yet been deserved to be felt in this poem. From something vague to something so harsh... quote: Again, this is just brutal. And again with "This." WHAT is this pain? quote: So much blood in this poem. It's a queasy read. And again, that queasiness factor hasn't yet been earned, because the poem is so detached and horrified with itself. quote: Brilliant. quote: Another job of the writer is to know when something has ended. This feels tacked on, and again, it doesn't say anything to me. What does the heat of the moment really mean? What fight doesn't rage? And when is rage not fiercely? Is it only fear she's sobbing in? We already know he doesn't listen. quote: The use of pronouns here confuses me. You're trying to get both their voices in at once, but without a clear identifier, I'm wondering who pushed who. And is an act of violence in response to an act of violence the freeing of a soul, or the temporary relapse of a much, much deeper darkness and self-loathing? Keep workin' on this, Edgar. With that one stanza I highlighted, it's obvious you've got it in you to do some great work. Just keep practicing, keep blunting the instrument. It's the only way to sharpen your eyes, and your heart. Mike |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
there is little i can add after the comments of bsquirrell, a tour de force in itself. I would suggest that you may care to read the works of the acknowledged greats eg crhristina rossetti and Godlin market(the choice between good and evil.).This is tightly written yet flows with an almost song like melody of sound. I must now confess that i am a great admirer of a little known Victorian poet ,E Dowson. May I again suggest that you find his "non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno cynarae" Not only is this the ultimate poem of unrequited love ( none better) but it is so wonderfully structure ( count the syllables in each line!) This poem was written in 5 minutes in the Cock Inn London and then thrown on the floor .But he was a genius and you and I are not.* For myself ,and when i remember, the acid test is : If i take this line out what is lost that the reader would miss Good luck just keep at it arthur * to understand the poem you have to know that a) cyanara ( real name Abigal ) was a waitress in the cheap cafe where he ate ( when sober) and would have little to do with him b) he slept with a different hooker ever night ( "surely her bought red lips etc") because he didnt own a roof over his head |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Hmmmm....thanks for the advice!! It was definitely needed and greatly appreciated. With the second stanza, I see what you mean. It is rather vague now that I look at it... Third stanza, same thing: I tend to be a little wordy sometimes, and reluctant to drop anything that "might" be necessary. In the fourth stanza, it's the abuser (sorry to sound picky, but I try to remain as gender-neutral as possible...helps people connect and is more fair--that, and I'm dual gender, so-comfortable being fe/male but born in one gender. Sorry...rattling on) who wants the abusee to listen, as the abuser is trying to gain control of the relationship. Fifth stanza: Yeah...I wasn't too sure about that one, but that's why I put this piece on pip. I needed advice! Good idea for that...bit too blunt and redundant... Sixth stanza: Like I said, I'm very reluctant to drop extra words, but you're right. Seventh stanza: That's one of the effects I wanted: A feeling of confusion and horror mixed with detatchment. I purposely wrote it to make people get confused. That's why it is, as you put it perfectly, "horrified with itself." There's two different emotions flowing as one. For me this piece was incredibly mild, so I wasn't grossed out by the addition of so much blood. But I do see your point. Eight stanza: Thanks...this was actually the stanza that really bugged me, to be perfectly honest...the whole "Your sadistic pleasure" that ended without any further explanation threw me off. Ninth stanza (I write too much!): Yeah, I should drop it...#^_^# Tenth stanza: Okee-dokee, the abusee has not caused any violence, and has been killed by the abuser (reminder: the abusee is lines one and three, abuser lines two and four). In this sense, the abuser has finally become frustrated enough to push someone down the stairs. The abusee is now free from this torture, and the abuser is at the top of the stairs going, "Did I do that? Oops." Like I said, I wrote this to be confusing by mixing two emotions/emotions/perspectives as one. The pronouns didn't help clarify any of the piece, but they're there to add to the befuddlement. Thanks for the advice, Mike. I really appreciate it, and I also wanted to say that your pieces are incredible!! Okay, just had to get that out there!! Ugh...I've dealt with enough of my own unrequited love!! hehe!! Thanks for the recommendations, arthur. I honestly--and I can already hear the sad and disappointed sighs coming through--didn't know of any authors of poetry that I could use for advice and to research, which is why I keep posting my stuff. The acid test? I like the sound of it!! Thanks. |
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