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Dark Poetry #3

this is how things happen

JamesBowie
Member

since 2000-11-25

Posts 252
big old Bangor Maine up by the shack

0 posted 2002-05-03 10:05 PM

This is how things happen
just home cooking dinner
my daughter walks in uncomfortably
asks where mom is when

she already saw her today
in the city smoking a cigarette
some man too close
standing almost inside her

but my daughter didn't speak to her
or to me now
wrapped up
in what it meant or could mean
to she and I and mom

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2002-05-04 02:59 AM

I would bet that scenario has happened to many, as years ago it even happened in our house, but it was about my Father. Well done on a touchy subject.

Imagination is more important that knowledge
~* Einstein said so *~

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

2 posted 2002-05-04 06:07 AM

I can't remember what Thumper said...hmm..something about not squashing him cause he's little and cute?

I like this. It's nice and matter of fact, and I think it works very well..

one minor minor thing:

but my daughter didn't speak to her
or to me now
wrapped up
in what it meant or could mean
to she and I and mom

I think the middle two lines are too short...I feel that maybe it would be good to make the line lengths fairly uniform, but that's likely just a matter of taste. It can be hard, when doing a freeverse poem that has no punctuation, to create satisfactory lines..

JamesBowie
Member

since 2000-11-25

Posts 252
big old Bangor Maine up by the shack

3 posted 2002-05-04 11:23 PM

yeah, I never did say that I could not use some improvement, so don't ever hold back when giving me tips J

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

4 posted 2002-05-05 03:22 AM

(only give tips to those with the critique flag checked...you do, so I will...I can't stop myself hahaha

)

JamesBowie
Member

since 2000-11-25

Posts 252
big old Bangor Maine up by the shack

5 posted 2002-05-05 11:22 PM

thumper said "if you can't say something nice, Don't say anything at all" ya know from the movie Bambi

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