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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2001-11-13 04:38 PM

My bedroom is colored with a pink lipstick.
Across my pillows is my dear dresser
Where I wear some pinkish power on my cheeks.
I put on a pale blue dress with some laces
As I stare at the pink oval shape box on the table.
I open the box with a deep breath
And count the earrings you've once given me.
I pull out a string and hang them on;
For each pair of earrings I make a knot.
I place the string across the mirror,
Then suddenly the knots are gone.
The string breaks and sound of drops everywhere.
I must have not tighten up the knots very well.
As I hear the drops I feel relief in my heart.

Love,
Lizzy Vivian
http://members.shaw.ca/home0/

~I'm a person of two faces, Who is neither extraordinary nor plain. I'm not the most outspoken

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2001-11-13 09:05 PM

Hmmm. I don't quite know what to make of this one. Very well written though! Thanks for sharing!

~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!?

~Love me because I am Rhonda

qtpieelmo
Senior Member

since 2000-07-04

Posts 989
Sesame Street :) hee hee ,NY

2 posted 2001-11-13 09:19 PM

Wow this is very powerful!!Ecspecially the last stanza--The image I got was like the sand in your hand, if you hold it too tightly all the grains are lost, but held loosely, the sand all remains--This was just how I took it, I may be way wrong, but I enjoyed it just the same!!

LOVE ELMO

[This message has been edited by qtpieelmo (edited 11-13-2001).]

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

3 posted 2001-11-13 10:07 PM

Elmo, that's a way of looking at it. I mean in the poem that the earrings were cherish to her and the knots repesent her lover as well as conflicts and love she has for him. And when the knots were gone, he was gone, she lost her love but it is a relief for her. Thanks for reminding me the sand meterphor! I actually didn't think of it.

Love,
Lizzy Vivian
http://members.shaw.ca/home0/

~I'm a person of two faces, Who is neither extraordinary nor plain. I'm not the most outspoken

JT
Member

since 2001-09-28

Posts 69
Arkansas, USA

4 posted 2001-11-13 10:46 PM

Very different. I like it. I found myself reading really closely to try to find things between the lines like people do with a Dylan song. Good job.

JT

Immortal Beloved
Junior Member

since 2001-10-17

Posts 42
the carpathians

5 posted 2001-11-14 12:35 PM

hmmm....veeery veery interesting,i dig.the thing i like about this ind of poetry is it can have a differnt interpretation for each reader,i like that,i support the whole weird poetry movement,lol,event though this isn't quite what i'd call "weird"....anyways,it's just the kind of poem i find most entertaining,excellent!!

lida

Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt~Julius Caesar

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

6 posted 2001-11-14 10:49 AM

wow, this poem was really very interesting...im not quite shur what to make of this one either...i guess theres some inside info that only you know of and thats A-Ok

i liked it..its full of emotion

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

7 posted 2001-11-19 04:11 AM

Excellent writing...enjoyed reading this...James

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

8 posted 2001-11-19 02:02 PM

You have some real insight, Lizzy, and you share it with others by laying it across the grain so that it really stands out from the ordinary and that's an excellent aptitude to have. The only thing holding you down (and don't let that stop you at all) is your command of english. As you grow more confident with that, your writing will grow even more wonderful.

Much enjoyed the depth, the insight, and the feeling you showed in this piece. Very well done.

jwesley

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

9 posted 2001-11-19 03:23 PM

Thanks jwesley. You said there was something about my English, so what did I do wrong in the poem? Can you point it out? Should I post this to Critique Aalaysis?

~The first two cup of tea is to throw away; what remains is the best of all.
~Blessed are those who find ordinary things extraordinary.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

10 posted 2001-11-19 09:54 PM

OOPS! Almost didn't come back in here but was in the forum and thought I'd read this again, and AM I EVER GLAD I DID! Wrote the above comment in a big rush - was at work and got caught - hee, hee. Really didn't mean it the way it sounds - for instance, just using one line - "I must have not tighten up the knots very well." would sound much better and be more correct as:
"I must not have tightened the knots very well".

Tell you what, I'll send you an email with a somewhat full critique - just don't take it seriously - it's meant to show you some things that may help your writing - nothing more.

Besides - I don't know what I'm doing anyway.
except having fun!!!

Walk easy,

jwesley

Jeremiah Johnson
Senior Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 1223
Brooksville, Fl, U.S

11 posted 2001-11-21 01:25 AM

i'm glad your pain is gone. best wishes my friends.

I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson-

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